HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

I just got a beautiful, brand new 32" widescreen LCD HDTV. My old model was about 20 years old. Really. It belonged to my grandparents. We got rid of it because it couldn't display moving pictures anymore.

I also just got a beautiful, brand new 30 gigabyte iPod. I've never had an iPod before so I'm not an expert on the subject, but I know two things:

-It plays video
-It is black

I can already tell that the TV and the iPod will destroy my life.

They operate on contrasting, complementary principles. The HDTV will destroy my home life because it looks really nice. It's incredible picture quality suddenly makes utterly unappealing TV programming, appealing. Take for instance, golf. Nobody likes golf. It's horrible. Uninteresting, usually poorly shaped people repeatedly hit a small, pock-marked ball until it tumbles into a plastic cavity in the ground. BUT in HDTV, these uninteresting people and unspectacular balls take on an epic quality! You can see the different shades of grass in crystal-clear quality, practically touch and fondle the wrinkles of the older golfers. It's a cornucopia of visual wonder. I find myself turning on the TV in the middle of the afternoon, just wondering what's on WNET-13 HD. I've seen documentaries on Cuba's renowned boxing schools, but I haven't seen them in 1080i.

This will destroy my life.

The iPod. The internet is awash with video podcasts. Most of them are amateurish and stupid. However, take these poor-quality podcasts and transpose them onto a 2 inch by 1.5 inch screen that can fit in a pocket, and suddenly the Tiki Bar TV podcast is essential viewing, more important than required college reading or interacting with people. I will sit at my 19" computer screen, and look down at the iPod in order to experience The Onion video podcast for two and a quarter minutes.

This too will destroy my life.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (4) comments

Have you ever wanted to see a movie where Kevin Bacon goes batshit fucking loco and kills everyone?

This is that movie. (0) comments

Thursday, the last day of the third week. I finally have a long-term project to work on so I don't have to bother my superiors all the time! Well, I had a long-term project. I'm almost done now. The term wasn't that long after all.

My friend John insists that some things are just more fun when you have a hangover. This belief has led me to wonder if he actually knows what a hangover is or if he has, in fact, confused it with another word like "ice cold lemonade" or "positive reinforcement". But some things just might be more fun with a mild hangover.

Entering data into spreadsheets at 10:00 in the morning is not one of those things.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

I'm finally getting some work to do. Barry stopped by today with his can of Diet Pepsi. "Oh yeah, that's good for you," I said.

"Ha ha, I know what you mean," he laughed. "But actually, I have diabetes."

Anyway, I work in a room with a few good women and a man. We've each got a little desk and a workstation and a phone. People call us up and we explain to them why they can't just buy the damn tickets like they want to, or how they can retrieve their password if they've forgotten it (click the "forgot password?" link).

At some point, a customer called up my coworker Paula. They exchanged a few words and then, with more than usual courtesy, she put him on hold. Getting up to find something for him, she turned to us and with an excited gleam in her eye, exclaimed,

"He has sexy dad voice!"

My coworker Sean replied, "Mmm!"

Returning to her desk, Paula added, "One of these days I'm going to say that. And he's not really going to be on hold."


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

fig. 1

I'm listening to Billie Holiday's God Bless the Child. I don't really listen to jazz or Billie Holiday, but listening to this song makes me hold my arm in close to my chest and sway (see fig. 1).


I just watched some of the movie Junebug. It's an indie movie about a sophisticated British dealer of "visionary art" and her husband, and their reunion with the husband's southern blue-collar family. I think that's what it's about; I only caught about half an hour because I had to leave due to boredom.

If you see it in a Blockbuster or your local video store some time, or on the "'Net Flicks" you all seem to be so excited about these days, I strongly recommend you consider not renting it, or even not buying it!


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

I had my wisdom teeth out on Thursday. Fearing that having my gums torn open and my teeth either drilled into bits or pulled whole from my jaw would be painful, I had asked my mom if I could have general anesthesia. It was too expensive. So I went for the local; a series of four or five Novocaine shots directly into my mouth.

This turned out to be painful.

The surgeon left me alone for ten minutes so that I could let the anesthetic set in and think about my sins. He returned, asking if my lip was completely numb. I said I didn't think so. He took his little dental scissors and pinched my lip with them.

"Ngh!"

"Did you feel that?" he asked. "Unhng-hunhg."

So he shot me up again and got to work. Fortunately, the actual operation wasn't bad; fun, even. I didn't feel a thing, except the pressure of the surgeon's pick pushing my head back into the headrest. But honestly, it was interesting. I got to see the teeth as they came out of my head. Within 30 minutes he was done and I was waiting for my antibiotic and pain prescriptions in the reception room, with big swaths of bloody cotton in my mouth.

It's been a couple of days and now I'm relaxing, trying not to play with my stitches, and saving my Percocet to sell on the streets for 30 bucks a tab.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Tuesday. Have been here almost half an hour so far. Checked all four email accounts, am now bereft of chores. Wish someone would plop task on desk and bid me complete it. Early second week, am already considering massive office supply theft. (1) comments

Monday, 7/16/2007

The start of my second week on the job. I've heard my share of stories about the horrors of Mondays, but those stories may apply more to full-time, salaried people with actual responsiblities and expenses, like rent and clothing, than to 20-hour-week Apprentices who live at home and have at least another few years at school. My monday consisted of coming in at 10:00, checking the email, then filing a couple thousand order forms. Then I delivered some envelopes. The tempo around here is pretty leisurely, as I imagine it might be at an open-air Genovese cafe, but instead of the cool mediterranean air carressing our faces with its wispy fingers, we are embraced by the still and mild air of central cooling. Instead of the balmy coastal sun, it is the loving glow of fluorescent bulbs that illuminates our business. (0) comments

Thursday, 7/12/2007

It's Thursday, my fourth day and my last day of the week. Everyone is nice enough and seems to have good social skills. I spent a about ten minutes trying to reacquaint myself with the Qwerty keyboard system but then I realized that it was easier to just switch it. I normally type with a different keyboard layout called Dvorak, so I switched that on this computer. If that turns out to be a problem, I'll have to go back to re-mastering Qwerty.

So, I'm still waiting around to really have something to do. I think I've got some work upcoming. Putting things in boxes.

I look around the office. What are the productive people doing? (0) comments

Let's pretend I've been posting like normal for the past year.


I just started my Ticket Sales internship for a well-known Broadway theater in New York City (sorry folks, I can't say which one!) Let's just call it the Recent Success Theater. Us interns have to write journal entries as a component of our education at the theater, so I figured that while I was at it I'd share a few thoughts with the public--while doing my best not to spill any juicy secrets!

(To protect the people involved in this journal, all names have been changed and many things have been completely made up.)


The first day was nothing special, just a two hour meeting with our supervisor Jane and the other interns, where we learned a few things about the RS Theater (that's what they call it here!) We learned that you have to fill in your time sheet with hours and fractions of an hour, not minutes. We learned that different departments have different dress standards (Marketing guys have to look their sharpest!)

I'm the only intern in Ticket Services. The others are doing cool stuff like Production, Education, Programming, Development, Studio Operations, and RS Operations. I'm not totally sure what each of those means, but they sound awesome!

The other interns at the meeting seemed like very nice, smart, motivated people. It appeared to be a very pleasant office environment, and that was the problem; it was dramatically dead. There was no one for me to quarrel with, there was no one to oppose me.

So I invented a nemesis.

His name is Barry Schmendelson. He just got his bachelors in finance from the prestigious Milton Freedman University in Maine, he's working in the Marketing department, and he thinks he's hot shit. The other interns think so too, but I see right through him. That shit-eating grin. The way he wraps both his hands around yours and pumps you for all your worth. The way he'll make a joke, and then lean forward a little bit and chuckle towards you, like he's trying to force you to laugh. It's the LOL of body language. I can tell that Barry and I are not going to get along. Good thing he's in Marketing and I'm in Ticket Services, so at least we won't have to see too much of each other.

Anyway, I'm really excited about my first real day of work tomorrow! I have to be in at 10:00 tomorrow, so I better go to bed right now!


Your friend Nicky, signing off.

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

"While South Dakotans fought valiantly to defend their babies, we once again witnessed an almost total lack of support from the national leadership," Euteneuer said.

...

"America has voted and the bloody results have placed the most vulnerable among us, the pre-born, in the crosshairs for continued extermination," said Operation Rescue President Troy Newman.


Look at that. Did I miss a party! Those Democrats didn't even tell me about their full-scale assault on South Dakota's most valuable resource; babies. I would have totally been there. And daymn, to get the pre-born in my crosshairs, ah man, what I wouldn't have done to be in on that. Damn you, Operation Rescue! Only you stand between my Party and the total extermination of this horrible nation's infants! (1) comments

(0) comments

No WAY are we taking the Senate.

God DAMN you, John Kerry. God damn you.


MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Prostitution! It can be the new toaster!

You know how banks are famous for giving away toasters when you open an account? Well, in places like Nevada where prostitution is legal, or Kentucky where it might as well be, or Thailand where it's mandatory, they should do that, with sex!

You know, "Open a free checking account, and you can do the saleswoman!" It's perfect. Sex sells, right? The implication behind the Coors commercial where the guy drinks a cold one and then the hot twins want to play beach volleyball with him and make out is saying, in fairly certain terms, "Buy our beer and you will get laid." Why not amp it up a little? "Buy our beer and we will send those twins over! Enjoy, but save some for the rest of us, ha ha ha!"

I'm a total genius.


Nicky

Electrostatic Mail! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

So there I am, working the 6-9 shift at Figeroux and Associates, plugging away for the benefit of prospective Congressman Chris Owens. And it's 8:00 PM: Break O'Clock.

I stop in at the CVS, which stands for CV Store, I believe, and look for a treat. After two hours in an air-conditioned office room, I want some baked goods like Mama made them--had Mama ever been the least bit interested in baking. Suddenly, Grandma stares up at me from a package of cookies. Those cookies are soft, soft like Grandma made them. Soft like my heart.

I pick them up and take them to the counter, savoring the softness, in my mind. I respond apologetically that No, I do not have a club card, I will be paying the full 50 cents.

As I leave the store and bite into the first cookie, trying to ignore the utter, utter artificiality of it all, a message on the plastic package catches my eye. "Guaranteed Fresh!" and then in smaller letters, "until the date marked on this package."

Did Grandma's Cookies just take credit for complying with food safety regulations? Of course they're guaranteed fresh until the expiration date. That is the definition of an expiration date! It gurantees that until one date, food will be fresh, and after that date, food will not be fresh. That's how it works! Make no mistake about it, that date on the cookies is there so that if you eat them too late, you can't sue Grandma!

Cover your ass, Grandma, just cover your ass.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (1) comments

Guys, guys, I was just at teh library with my moms and I saw this DVD, it was Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle: UNRATED EDITION! Guys!

You know what that means! It's the sexy Angels content that was TOO HOT FOR TV! Finally, I'll get to see the controversial "topless carwash fight" between Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and what's her name with the huge mouth! Cameron Diaz! I can't believe they just had this sitting there at the library where even little kids could see it! This is awesome. You wouldn't think they'd shoot a bunch of naked sex/fight scenes for a PG-13 movie. But it's the Unrated edition! That's like, guranteed nudity. Or at least another one and a half minutes of Bernie Mac doing his crazy thing. Or like, a Kid Rock music video that shows clips from the movie!

I'm still waiting on the special Unrated Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, where they finally show the, by now legendary, "Emma Watson blossomed breasts" scene. I can't believe they get that shit in the UK. Unfair!


Nicky Y.

Electric Mail: Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

AAARRR! God, it's so sunny out. You'd think that for a guy like me at least they could get some rain on my funeral. Jesus Christ it was uncomfortable in there! You ever been buried six feet underground in a wooden box? It's not fun. What's that? It sounds like your last marriage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you've still got it! But seriously, your kid's looking kinda pale there, you should get that checked out.

You know, I didn't think I could survive in there for four days, but after the first couple of minutes it suddenly got much easier. Huh? Pulse? Oh, that's probably normal. I'm sure it'll come back. I just need to get warm. Why is it so god damn cold? Sunny day like this and I'm freezing my ass off.

Damn, this is a nice suit. Whose suit is this? This isn't my suit. I don't have any nice suits. I'm keeping it. Is there any... damn. I was hoping maybe someone ve left a twenty in the breast pocket. But nope, all I'm getting is dirt.


ANYhow, I've actually spent the past six weeks getting my learn on at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, a town famous for being the place where George Romero shot Night of the Living Dead. True fact: George Romero hired all nonprofessional actors for his ultra-low budget movie. For his zombie scenes, he actually just filmed Pittsburghers going about their daily business. True story. Pittsburgh sucks. And no matter how many Pittsburghers you kill, there's always more! And in the end, you just end up getting shot by the sheriff. Just because you're black. Oh come on, none of you have actually seen the movie? It's a classic!

I'm back in Brooklyn now, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. I've been working at a phone bank from 6-9 for the past three days. What's that you say? You're not quite sure what a phone bank is? Well, if you think a phone bank is where you go to deposit your telephones, then you're dead wrong! It's a place where friendly people, like me, call unfriendly people, like everyone else, and tell them things. For instance, I tell people that Chris Owens would make a nice congressman. You, or someone like you, might instead be asked to tell people that a Kenmore washer/dryer would make a nice, clean load of laundry. However, you would be wrong, because a washer/dryer can't make clothing, only wash and dry it. My point is, I'm doing okay here, and I'm maybe saving up to buy some more hardware for my computer so that I can buy new video games that simulate life so well you'd almost believe you have one.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer

P.S. If you are Lukas Fauset, congratulations! You are probably the first one to read this! (1) comments

I just read this very interesting article about a recent experiment. Scientists tested various groups of rhesus macaque monkeys by offering them alcoholic beverages.

They discovered that monkeys, not unlike people, love getting plastered.

They also learned that monkeys drink more after times of stress as well as to "drown the pain." After heavy drinking, some monkeys still tried to climb trees despite the howls of other monkeys dressed in adorable police hats.

Monkeys that are housed individually tend to drink more than monkeys that live together. But the monkeys that drink together probably have a lot more fun. Unfortunately, the report was inconclusive on the effect of alcohol consumption on the likelihood of sloppy make-outs.

I swear, a statistically significant percentage of this information is actually in the article! You should read it.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

Just in case anyone has not heard of this, a stupid man has been floating in a large fish bowl by my school. That's right, David Blaine, master of irritating smarter Americans, has been stuck in a bubble at Lincoln Center for the past week. He's been right across the street from my school, so we've checked him out a couple times. I don't know what he's bene thinking all this time, but it's probably something to the effect of, "Oh... man... it's damp in here." Or, "I wish I had not listened to my publicist." Right now he is probably the most wrinkled man under 90.

Anyway, in just an hour or two, he will be emerging from the bubble, then jumping back in to see if he can hold his breath for 9:00 minutes. I'm not saying I want him to die, but... well, I suppose he's suffered enough.


N.Y. (these are my initials)

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Mention of Parkour on Penny Arcade! If you know anything about me, you will be amazed! (0) comments

David Blaine will try to hold his breath for a record-breaking 9:00 minutes live on FOX!

The name of this special? "David Blaine: Drowned Alive."

He's drowned alive! Not dead, like most people are.

I think the real problem with this guy and his publicity stunts is, at this point, no one really cares if he lives or dies. He may be the world's most disposable celebrity.


Nicky (0) comments

Saw an ad for America's Most Wanted, they're going undercover to catch online predators. There's an exciting episode.

lolita12: wats your name lol?
Predaz0r666: i want to sex you up.
lolita12: wow im from cali

How does this work? Is that the point where the SWAT team knocks down the door? How far are they going to go to dramatize this? Are they going to show the sexual predator, hunched over his computer, staring at the screen with a maniac glint in his eye? Is he in his underwear? Are there pictures of that little girl from Seventh Heaven?

I sort of feel like AMW has lost its way. I suggest that they go back to whatever it is they used to do. (0) comments

Just so you know, the heat is off. I anxiously watched the police investigation via my vast satellite network while staying on my radar-invisible Mexican island off the coast of Cancun. When the search died down, I left my island in a stealth submarine and made an amphibious landing in Playa Del Carmen. After hiking for days and living on tortillas made from my own shoes, I came to the border. I approached an American border guard and convinced him that a ruthless Mexican master of disguise had stolen my identity in order to take my job restocking the frozen meat section at Wal-Mart. The sympathetic guard let me back in without even a background check, and vowed to find the man who had stolen my identity. I told him to look for a Mexican in a Wal-Mart uniform.

I went on, hitching a ride from a trucker delivering 40 tons of generic cocoa powder to an obscure lodge in Alberta, Canada. From there, I skied cross country to Niagra Falls. I nailed myself in a wooden barrel and rolled myself off the falls, landing safely on the New York side. I smashed my way out of the barrel and, recovering my climbing equipment from a subaqueous hidden cave, proceeded to scale the surface of the American side of the falls. When I reached the top, I met with Krueger, my pet cougar, who tossed me the thigh of a turkey he had caught and roasted over a little propane stove, and then gave me a ride back to New York City.

At Times Square, we ducked into a service booth, unseen. I carefully unscrewed the receiver on the phone, and pressed the hidden button, causing the wall to open and a glass tube to emerge. Krueger jumped into the tube, which would quickly and safely convey him back to the Amazon until I would need him again.

Then I took the train home.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Hey guys, I did a stupid thing, I stole the world's biggest ball of twine.
I gotta go to Mexico for a while, but this should all blow over in a week or so.
You'd be surprised how short the statute on limitations for gigantic larceny is.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to manage your own farm? Have you ever wondered if you have what it takes to higher farm hands; buy, sow, and harvest crops; and breed and slaughter livestock? Now you CAN, with John Deere: American Farmer!

I was just at Circuit City, looking to see if they had perhaps accidentally received a copy of Tomb Raider: Legend two days early, when I saw this little doozie of a game. John Deere: American Farmer is THE premier grain-growing, hog-rendering, tractor-pulling farm simulation. You can even drive a tractor! It looks like after years of trying, the people at Bold Games have managed to hit the market sweet spot where heavy agricultural equipment and strategic gaming align. JD: AF brings all the thrill and excitement of farm life to your very fingertips! Authentic tractor driving is just a click away!

I hear you asking, How will these guys ever beat the magic of SimFarm? Well, I can't be 100% they will, but the descriptions have got me pretty darn hopeful. The box says that "Plagues, weather, market trends, employee skill level and much more will play a role as you make decisions that will determine the ultimate success of your farm." You can even milk a cow!


And at just $19.99, it costs no more than such bargain basement titles as Valve's Day of Defeat: Source!

Well, I was just amazed and excited beyond all belief when I saw this game, but I was concerned that other people might not see it, hidden as it was on a low shelf. So I picked up that game and I jammed it right on that rack in front of some game called Older Scrolls IV! There were a lot of copies of that Scroll thing, so obviously that wasn't selling, I figured why not help out the nice guys at Circuit City by putting the good merchandise up front?


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer

PS. I guess those things in the pictures aren't really tractors, but I'm sure that there ARE tractors in the game! There have got to be! (3) comments

I know what you're thinking: "This guy is so behind the times!" Yeah, I know you all fell in and out of love with her back in the 90's, but love is timeless.

After seven games, a whopping five of which were terrible, Lara is back in Tomb Raider: Legend, a game that promises to return her to her former glory. And yes, there are boobs. Tomb Raider: Legend promises to return Lara Croft's boobs to their former glory. For the first time in the series, the game features an all new integrated physics system, which allows the player to solve puzzles based on real-life interactions with objects. The physics system even applies to Ms. Croft's ample bosoms, which carry their own mass and physical properties. A specially trained division of programmers, collectively known as the cantaloupologists, worked nights and weekends to perfect the code necessary to deliver the high poly count and jigglometrics that today's gamers have come to expect of next-generation bazongas. The breasts of Lara Croft even have rudimentary AI that allows them to jiggle warningly in response to danger. Included in the list of threats are exposure to water, fabric, and jiggling.

For this latest installment, game designer Crystal Dynamics has opted to create a more realistic Lara than in previous games. That means her face finally has some detail, her waist is slightly less wasplike, and the size of her afore-mentioned bosoms has been reduced from "tyrannical" to merely "inhumane". I think this is a step in the right direction. I also think Crystal Dynamics should be commended for their commitment to realism. For instance, when Lara emerges from water, her clothes and body are wet and gleaming and water droplets fly from her glistening body as she runs and leaps into the air, gracefully catching hold of a wooden pole with a delicate grunt. It is details like this that are absolutely Vital in maintaining the gamer's suspension of disbelief, and it is admirable bits like this that separate a distinguished developer from a forgettable one.

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, I'm in love with Lara Croft. Not in the I-love-this-woman-I'm-gonna-jump-on-the-couch kind of way, though; I consider our love to be intimate, private and unspoken.

Oh no, I'm not the first, and I certainly won't be the last to fall for this British firecracker. But, the way she lets me move her... there is no closer bond than this.
Some day I will dig through her layers of icy composure, raid the tomb of her heart, excavate her love, and encase it in glass.

So, the demo is a lot of fun. If you've got a PC with enough power to handle her, I mean, it, I mean the demo, try her out. It. The demo.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Some Swedish guy is staying at our house, with our Greek tenant. She's got an Asian boyfriend who comes over here all the time. It's like the freakin' League of Nations around here.

I forgot the Swedish guys's name. I think it's Sven. Maybe it's not. I guess it isn't. He didn't seem very dumb. Isn't he supposed to be dumb or something? Stupid? He didn't seem very stupid.

I was disappointed.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

I tried to walk away, but after what happened, I realized that only I had the power to end the destruction I had started. My posts could not bring her back, but I would show them all that evil cannot go unpunished. Her death. Oh Sylvia... her death....

No, no no no no. I must remain strong. I will show everyone. I do this for her. (2) comments

Have you ever visited okayyeahwhatever.blogpsot.com? I don't recommend you do. "But Nicky!" you say, "Isn't that your website?" To which I reply no, because I know how to spell "spot."

It would seem that the URL blogpsot.com and all variants of it have been registered by a website calleld Abundant Bible. They are a "mega-site of Bible, Christian and religious information and studies...." And according to the banner above the title, you can also WIN A FREE LAPTOP!!!

Headlines in unpleasant shades of red and pink warn of "The Soon Coming Climax." Amazing, those nutty radicals have stumbled onto my secret for racking up hits! But no, it's not a carefully detailed tutorial on increasing your stamina, it's a lengthy article explaining how the world will end soon, and how when everyone is dead, the true believers will be laughing it up from heaven while you look up at them from the bowels of the earth and shake your fist impotently. The belief here is apparently founded on some Biblical document. These prophecies, they say, are true about today's world, but not about the world 50 years ago. Let's take a look!

--"The Christian church at the time of the end would be lukewarm, neither cold nor hot for Jesus." I think a lot of Christian churches are hot for Jesus! I'm hot for Jesus! I'm on FIRE for Jesus! And besides, how can a Christian church be COLD towards Jesus? "Hey Pastor Bob, I know you're a Christian, but what do you think about Jesus?" "Well, I could take him or leave him, really." His name is right there in the name of the religion.

--"People would become lovers of themselves-2 Tim 3:1,2." There's a Bible character named Tim? I just think that's funny. If I wrote an addition to the Bible, it would probably be The Big Book of Tim, and then there would be a little subtitle saying, "Now with 20% more Tim free!" But besides that, eh? Did they just look around and go, "Man, people sure seem to love themselves! When did THAT happen?"

--"People would be disobeying their parents." Oh no. I don't have much to say on that one.

--"People would be without self-control in sex." I think that one is open for interpretation. Do they mean we'll be having sex willy-nilly (and I can tell you personally, that does not happen to everyone), or are they just saying we will be bad lovers? If anything, people have more self-control in sex, thanks to performance-enhancing drugs.

--"People would love pleasures more than God." Well... yeah. Okay... but... I just don't think that this is a development of the last 50 years. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that one snuck in there while we were all distracted with the laserdisc and the Civil Rights movement.

--"People would be taking drugs." Okay, that one's true. Ever since Pink Floyd invented drugs in the 1960's, this world has gone to shit. Why, Pink Floyd, why did you make us a generation of junkies!

--"People would mock about the last days and not believe." That one's not even fair. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't HELP mocking their ridiculous prophecy! If it were a cooler prophecy, maybe I would believe it better. Like if it said, "You will be brutally murdered in the line of duty, and then revived as a cyborg police officer" and then it happened, I would be totally on board with the prophecy.


But in the end, I just have to wonder exactly what the point of all this is. Why use blogpsot.com to host a fundamentalist Christian website? Everyone knows that users of Blogspot are the most intelligent and attractive people on earth, and this little "mega-site" is not going to scare very many of us. I just don't underSTAND it. Was the thinking, "Well, people will want to read their favorite blog every once in a while, so maybe if we register this URL, they'll accidentally find our ugly website dedicated to doomsday proclamations! And they'll LIKE it." It's a good plan. I was trying to find a friend's blog about Brokeback mountain, but I stumbled upon jimmythesnitch.blogpsot.com by accident. And I said, "You know, I could make sure I didn't misspell the URL, but that sounds like a lot of work and I AM kind of in the mood to get Saved and shit." It's kind of like disguising your blog as a porn site and hoping that people who come upon it (no pun intended!) while looking for porn will decide they weren't horny at all so much as they were looking for a series of unconnected posts about generally non-pornographic aspects of life. If you are looking for some quality porn and you found this site by accident, try Hottiewithakillerbody.blogpsot.com.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

When people ask me why I don't have a girl friend, I usually tell them that I'm going for the world record. As far as I know, I'm winning. (2) comments

Does Christopher Walken need to be in more movies? Yes, probably, I think I'd probably say yes. I asked him. He also said "Yes," but it was two and a half syllables.

The two girls I like best of all are close friends with each other. They're like wildebeests! They travel in packs. They know I can't deal with that. It's like Double Dragon. Maybe I could take one at a time, but when they combine their fucking dragon powers or whatever? I didn't play the games or watch the show or the movie or anything, but I assume that they have fucking dragon powers. And I don't want them to be hurricane kicking me and nunchucking me and hitting me with their goddamned bo staffs of love and shit. Pow pow pow whatever etc.

I think nunchucking should be an olympic sport. I imagine it as a cross between the shot put and curling. But you know, obviously with nuns.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

REPORTER: So, Mr. Boll, the game BloodRayne is about a half-human, half-vampire assassin who fights Nazis and evil demons.
UWE BOLL: Jah.
REPORTER: You set it in 18th century Romania. Why did you decide to do this?
UWE BOLL: Vell, you see, in Germany ve are not believing in ze World War II.
REPORTER: So, your public stance is that there were no Nazis.
UWE BOLL: Nazi? Vhat is zat; some kind of fruit biscuit?


Uwe Boll seems to live in this bizarro fantasy world where the worse he makes a movie, and the less popular it is with its core fan base, the higher the demand for him gets. This is the man that made House of the Dead three years ago, and not only is he still allowed to live in this country, but he continues to get work regularly. In fact, big time movie producers actually ask him to direct more video game-based movies!

Let's take a look:

House of the Dead (2003): "To properly convey the jaw-dropping shoddiness of this videogame-based 'horror' 'movie,' one must approach what scientists call Absolute Stupid, a state previously thought to exist only under highly controlled laboratory conditions or at the highest levels of government." -Entertainment Weekly

Alone in the Dark (2005): "Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -Baltimore Sun

BloodRayne (2005): "How fitting that director Uwe Boll ('House of the Dead') would choose a vampire flick as his latest project - the man has a career that, despite the horror he continually inflicts on innocent moviegoers, simply will not die." -New York Daily News

THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU CALL A TRACK RECORD!

Hello big time movie producers! Everybody hates this guy! Don't you hate this guy? This guy is terrible! These three movies hold #18, #36 and #40 on the IMDb list of worst movies ever made. EVER! A lot of movies are out, it's hard to pick just 100. So, yeah, it makes perfect sense that he is currently scheduled to direct FIVE, that's FIVE (5) more video game movies.

You ever play Dungeon Siege? Wish they made a movie of it? Now you won't!

Are you a fan of Hunter: The Reckoning? I've got bad news!

Far Cry won a lot of Game of the Year awards. Intrigue and danger in a tropical paradise? Sounds like a movie begging to be set in a scary carnival!

Postal! A postal worker goes crazy and kills everybody. That will never translate to the big screen. Replace the "postal guy" with a talking dog from outer space. Gamers that shit!

Fear Effect? I don't know what that is. But it's gonna suck.


Nicky (is just so mad!)

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

Illinois, by Sufjan Stevens, may be the best sad make-out album I have ever heard. Not that I've heard the whole thing--it's an epic 22 songs. However, what I have heard has so much going for it as a sad make-out album that I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Sufjan Stevens, the singer/protagonist of this album combines angelic choirs, swooping orchestral arrangements, banjos, and accordions to get a unique (and yet highly Garden State-variety)sound. In addition, he has a soft, light, melancholy quality to his voice and sings about how someone got cancer. The general effect is that you want to cradle him in your arms and rock him very gently. At least, that's what I'm getting. I'm assuming this would be multiplied in most girls. Or maybe it's just me.

So, next time you've got a lady around at your house, or you are at her house, or you find a small CD player in the broom closet at your place of work, put this album on. But remember, this has to be sad make-out music. So if you're going for a playful make-out? Try something else. This is for that tender stuff that happens where some girl is crying for some reason, clutching her knees to her chest, and you kind of sit down next to her and put your arm around her shoulder, and she looks up at you tearfully. And you quietly take off her glasses and slowly lean down. Cue "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us" and you're pretty much there.

Of course, it can just be generally sad music. It can be crying in the bathroom stall music. It can be walking-away-from-your-emotionally-troubled-but-wildly-romantic lover-in-slow-motion music. It could be sitting-on-the-plane-and-looking-out-of-the window-wistfully-wondering-where-she-is-now music. It's pretty versatile.

Admitedly, not all of the music is the same caliber of sad indie situation quality. Whenever an extended accordion solo breaks out, you might want to turn that down just a little bit.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Just a quick heads-up to all you programmers over in Nintendo product development: a lot of us guys in marketing think you should really try to get that new system out on January 1st of next year. Cut some corners if you have to cuz we'll definitely make up in release-date sales what we lose in repeat customers. We could make a fortune selling "New Year's Revolutions." Think of the ad campaign! "Tired of breaking your New Year's resolutions? Here's something you'll NEVER want to break." Bam! Flash the Revolution controller, show a warrior swordfighting a naked vampire chick, you are good for the fiscal year. And you know what that means: big bonuses for everyone! Anyway, think on it, the head honchos have definitely got their eyes on you guys. I gotta give a shout out to Jerry in accounting for his help on the calculations. He makes those numbers fly! I look forward to seeing all you crazy characters at the quarterly Nintendo company picnic (especially Betty in Sales, but don't tell her ha ha ha!)

-The Nickster (1) comments

I saw two movies tonight, both called Cinderella Man. One movie was about a nice guy (Russell Crowe) with three little kids and a loving but fearful wife, who gets a second chance in the depths of the Depression. The other movie is about a boxer (Russell Crowe) who punches really hard and bleeds a lot. The first movie is kind of like eating a big bag of sugar, and the other movie is like headbutting a park ranger. It's very unpleasant and cool. The cinematography of this movie makes boxing actually look cool and disgusting, instead of just disgusting. It's the kind of film where you yell at the characters and duck your head to the side to avoid getting clocked. Russell Crowe is a very convincing boxer, and watching him go to work inspired me to never get in a fight.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (6) comments

I just watched a couple episodes of the O.C. It's mysteriously great! Or is it something else? I'm gonna go check for lady parts. (2) comments

I love Ben Kingsley because he's so cool that nothing he does can damage his reputation. If he wants to be in a movie that, for all intents and purposes should somehow feature Kevin Sorbo, who's going to stop him. Of course, what self-respecting actor could turn down the chance to work with Uwe Boll, acclaimed director of House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark? Or to appear in a movie opposite Meatloaf? And, what warm-blooded Englishman and one-time Gandhi could resist promises of Hot Lesbian Action!!!? Not me, that's for sure. And not Ben Kingsley.


Nicky Young

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

We have precedent! We have established precedent! There's no getting out of it this time! No two ways to go about it! You can't have your sock and wear it too! It's official!

In the ever-burgeoning movement of "reimagining" classic stories by modernizing them and replacing all the characters with black people, one trend has taken effect. It's called Initialism. How does one perform Initialism? Simple, take the title of a piece of literature, then replace that title with a single letter. Let's take a look at some examples, and yes! this is just in, we now have two examples!

Let's look at the play "Othello." There it is in its seven-letter glory. Why 7 letters? I don't know. I guess it's lucky. But everyone knows that where 7 letters will do, one will do just as well. You know a word I really hate? Thello. Let's get rid of that Thello. And there you have the title of the Mikhai Pfeiffer "Othello" adaptation.

Now, let's look at another piece of great literature, The Great Gatsby. 14 letters! Seem strange that the next item in the sequence has an additional 7 letters? I don't think so! Anyhow, take The Great Gatsby. Lovely story about a guy named Jay Gatsby. A parable, if you will, about the old rich and the new rich, and how they are both miserable. Okay, so The Great Gatsby. Very descriptive, indicative of the book's themes of reputation and class. Maybe... a little too descriptive. What kind of letters we looking at here? I see a few Ts, a couple E's and A's, but so what? The letter of choice here, is clearly "G." And there we have the title of the upcoming rap-themed Great Gatsby adaptation "G". Turns out it's about a guy named "G. Summers." Now, they could have easily named him Jay Gatsby and called the movie "J." But that wouldn't fly. Not at all. "G" is much more in keeping with the message of the book.

Bottom line, many black people are not illiterate, and they may even watch your picture show if the title contains entire words. Remember "Barbershop"? Whole buncha people saw "Barbershop"!

But I'm not worried. I think this trend will die down when they try to adapt the Thomas Pynchon novel V and end up with a movie titled I.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (1) comments