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Come for the lesbians, stay for the blog!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

"I spit on your games!" or "Uwe idiot!" 

REPORTER: So, Mr. Boll, the game BloodRayne is about a half-human, half-vampire assassin who fights Nazis and evil demons.
UWE BOLL: Jah.
REPORTER: You set it in 18th century Romania. Why did you decide to do this?
UWE BOLL: Vell, you see, in Germany ve are not believing in ze World War II.
REPORTER: So, your public stance is that there were no Nazis.
UWE BOLL: Nazi? Vhat is zat; some kind of fruit biscuit?


Uwe Boll seems to live in this bizarro fantasy world where the worse he makes a movie, and the less popular it is with its core fan base, the higher the demand for him gets. This is the man that made House of the Dead three years ago, and not only is he still allowed to live in this country, but he continues to get work regularly. In fact, big time movie producers actually ask him to direct more video game-based movies!

Let's take a look:

House of the Dead (2003): "To properly convey the jaw-dropping shoddiness of this videogame-based 'horror' 'movie,' one must approach what scientists call Absolute Stupid, a state previously thought to exist only under highly controlled laboratory conditions or at the highest levels of government." -Entertainment Weekly

Alone in the Dark (2005): "Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -Baltimore Sun

BloodRayne (2005): "How fitting that director Uwe Boll ('House of the Dead') would choose a vampire flick as his latest project - the man has a career that, despite the horror he continually inflicts on innocent moviegoers, simply will not die." -New York Daily News

THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU CALL A TRACK RECORD!

Hello big time movie producers! Everybody hates this guy! Don't you hate this guy? This guy is terrible! These three movies hold #18, #36 and #40 on the IMDb list of worst movies ever made. EVER! A lot of movies are out, it's hard to pick just 100. So, yeah, it makes perfect sense that he is currently scheduled to direct FIVE, that's FIVE (5) more video game movies.

You ever play Dungeon Siege? Wish they made a movie of it? Now you won't!

Are you a fan of Hunter: The Reckoning? I've got bad news!

Far Cry won a lot of Game of the Year awards. Intrigue and danger in a tropical paradise? Sounds like a movie begging to be set in a scary carnival!

Postal! A postal worker goes crazy and kills everybody. That will never translate to the big screen. Replace the "postal guy" with a talking dog from outer space. Gamers that shit!

Fear Effect? I don't know what that is. But it's gonna suck.


Nicky (is just so mad!)

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer
Posted by: Nicky / 10:29 PM

3 Comments:

Nicky inevitably reverts to teen angst mode...

More info, less whine, but I liked the beginning. Top hole.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:06 PM  

Okay... angst is Definitely the wrong word here. Angst is "A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression." And it's usually directed toward oneself. This is more the vein in frivolous self-righteous anger.

But, telling a blogger not to whine is like telling a dog not to howl at the moon. You rarely succeed, and if you do, it's because the dog is preparing to remove your testicles with his jaws. So, you wouldn't likethat. You wouldn't like it if I bit your testicles off.

But sure, I'll really pick up the pace on my info-gathering skills. I will get my Guys in the Field, scooping and corroborating sources and all that stuff that us info guys do.

By Blogger Nicky, at 12:10 AM  

David Alexander found my blog "inquisitive." Which leads me to believe that he is kind of dumb, or a preprogrammed computer program designed to ensnare me. Really! Who gives "inquisitive" as a comment? How do you use that?

"Daymn bitch, you are so inquisitive in bed!"

By Blogger Nicky, at 9:18 PM  

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