HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

I really don't have anything clever to say about this. I just, I wouldn't recommend this.


Nicky (0) comments

I just saw this ad for Verizon where these guys go to this party where everyone is waving their cellphones around in celebration. You know, like lighters or something. I would say that that's an absurd, stupid thing to put in an ad, but people do it! I've done it. And then immediately felt a deep, terrible, terrible shame. Kids, don't wave your cellphone around in the air, no matter how exuberant those rock people are.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (5) comments

Well, it was bound to happen some time. I have in my hand (near my hand), a handwritten letter from the illustrious Lukas Fauset. This letter, mailed perhaps from a schooner or possibly a junk, those are the only boats I can name, by way of carrier pigeon. Said letter is postmarked July 25, which speaks well for the flight times of the American hawk-tailed pigeon, which does not exist. When I mailed a letter from Italy, it didn't arrive until I had already returned home, and many of the warnings therein were proven useless due to the long travel time. Had I received it earlier, I feel the whole earwig incident could have been averted.

Actually, I received two letters from Lukas. The first is written in the large, sloppy handwriting of a young child, magic marker prose strewn about the page like wind-tossed maple leaves on a damp Sunday. Said writing only grows more incoherent as the short letter nears its end, fading inevitably into the realm of complete illegibility. My theory is that this letter was a cry for help following a particularly bad drug overdose. A poor choice of medium to say the least.

The second letter at first appears to be written by Lukas, but this clever forgery is easily and expediently overturned by the fact that the writer used a different pen. It essentially states that Lukas is, was, or will be (I wasn't reading very carefully on a boat with his aunt, who is actually six whole months older than him, and that the boats crew is comprised World War II veterans with wooden legs. Now, I mean no disrespect, but I'm sure that when Lukas says "World War II veterans", what he actually means is "a band of bloodthirsty pirates". Now, I'll be frank: I haven't read the whole letter, but I think we can safely guess the ending. Lukas, having been bamboozled by a posse of pirates, deprived of doubloons and pieces-of-eight alike, is cast into the sea, where, after besting the leader of the vicious shark people in unarmed combat, is brought to shore on the back of a gentle mermaid. The two agree to marry on the next full moon, but on that fateful day, the mermaid reveals that she is, in fact, all maid, and that the fins and flippers were merely Hollywood-quality prosthetics. Lukas, feeling distraught and betrayed, hurls himself into the Aegean sea, only to be rescued by his aunt who, it is revealed, captivated the pirates with her sensuous dance, and then skewered them with her rapier, running them through as 't were a shish kabab. But then! A giant sea monster, the Leviathan itself swallows them, ship and mates all. Inside they discover the entire cast of Gilligan's Island and dedicate the rest of their days to finding ingenious ways to derive electricity from a pair of coconuts and a plank of driftwood bound with hollow reeds.

Anyway, that's my take. I'll finish reading the letter too, but I won't be surprised if it comes out exactly like I just said.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (1) comments

Yes, I think the world knows now, and has known for some time, that I am a fan of Penny Arcade. No, I may not reference them frequently, I try not to bore people with the tiny minutia of everyday life (ha ha ha), but I love Penny Arcade. Fine. They produce quality comics and one can view them thrice-weekly, on the internet, for free.

I didn't think I had a problem. Sure, I've read every comic strip they've ever put out, from 11/18/98 to this very day, from the one where the Macromedia Shockwave octopus strangles Gabe, to the one where the guy in the suit gives Gabe a turtle, to the one where Tycho gets drunk. Hell, I've read them all twice, maybe three times. So maybe I went through them one by one, downloading them to my hard drive so I could have a constantly rotating desktop of Penny Arcade cartoons. But listen:

Accompanying every Penny Arcade comic is a post. Some of these are short, some are very long. I realized that something was wrong when, looking for something to do, I looked through their old posts.

Apparently, I have already spent such a substantial amount of time on this, doing this very thing on previous occasions, that I have already read most of the posts! And these aren't even very interesting most of the time. I have apparently pushed so far back into the Penny Arcade archives that I have stumbled into the year 1969 http://www.penny-arcade.com/news.php?date=0000-00-00. I have a problem. I have a problem and I need help.

Then again, I'm sure there are those among you who are accustomed to reading through dozens of fairly uninteresting posts in the hope of finding something amusing. You need help too.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Hundreds line up for the release of Harry Potter and the Darker Sequel! FOX 5 is here to cover it! The lines are smaller than they were for the previous book! Does this mean the series has become less popular? It doesn't matter!

I'm sick of you, Madame Rowling. As your books get longer and longer, they get less fulfilling! I'm never read a book so long and felt so cheated of content. What was that last one? Order of the Phoenix? What was the deal with Harry Potter? You call that character development?

"I HATE YOU RON AND HERMIONE!" yelled Harry. Again, the rage which he felt more and more often welled up in Harry.
"I understand," said Ron. "The Evil Lord Voldemort killed your parents. But I have problems too! My family is poor. And I
hit poverty! I want to touch Hermione!"
"I'm sorry, Ron," said Hermione. "I like girls."
"WHERE IS THAT ASIAN GIRL!" roared Harry, fury building inside of him. "I AM THE MOST POWERFUL YOUNG WIZARD IN
THE WORLD! WHY CAN'T I GET LAID?"

I don't remember the book so well, actually. Wasn't there a lot of stuff in CAPS? I knew he was angry, but I didn't know why. It's gotta be sexual frustration. Come on! J.K. (just kidding) had an idea, but she didn't want to get accused of discussing sexual matters around kids. They've got enough to worry about, what with trying to resist the call of Satan. I also seem to remember some part where Hagrid goes to visited the giants and it wasn't very interesting.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

I just ate a turkey burger. It seemed very greasy.

Now I have a dull ache in my heart, where the beating sounds used to come from. (0) comments

I just saw an ad for that movie Dark Water classifying it as the most original and terrifying movie of the year. Well, it may be the most original. I mean, I never could have envisioned the chilling tale of a mother and daughter who move into the house of their dreams. Except maybe it's not the house of their dreams. This house is full of water. Dark water. Possibly the darkest water ever! But don't hold me to that, because I'm not an expert on this kind of thing.

All I know is, it's water, it's dark, it kills.

Maybe the dark water traps you in its malevolent droplet, confined for all eternity in a bead of deadly moisture.


Maybe you drink and drink and drink the dark water until you drown in it!


Or maybe the dark water drinks YOU!




MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

So, I'm outside with my ultra-high tension compound bow with thermonuclear warhead-tipped arrows, going Rambo on this bale of hay, just minding my own business.

And guess what, these two deer just walk by me, placid as can be. And I'm sitting there, glistening with manly sweat and putting together the equation. Deer plus arrow equals... darrow. Clarence Darrow, famous lawyer featured in the Scopes Monkey Trials?



So, I didn't shoot the deer. I don't know if I could have even made the shot (although my arrows have a pretty large blast radius). So, I just resign myself and chalk it up to my natural pacifism and humaneness. Those deer, they don't even look at me, but I know what they're thinking. They're going, "Look at that pussy. He's not going to take the shot. Mahh! You're not going to take the shot! Come on, buddy. Take the shot. Take the shot. I dare you, buddy."

Someone has got to put those deer in their place. Walking on my lawn while I've got a bow in my hand? That's an insult to everything my people stand for. The day a man can't go out and shoot a deer, a polar beer, and a couple of indians in one day, then club a good-looking woman and take her to his cave, that's the day I don't want to live in this country any more.


Menace.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

I'm really excited about that movie Stealth. It stars some actors that I don't know. It's also got Jamie Foxx who is apparently sick of winning Golden Globes and Oscars. It's the thrilling, chilling tale of a supersmart stealth airplane that gets struck by lightning and then tries to kill everyone.



It it is, to my knowledge, the first movie featuring a goth airplane.

I read someone's sneak preview on Ain't It Cool News. Apparently they find its Livejournal and read it out loud to the United States, and then it dies of shame.






MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

I saw War of the Worlds today. It's good! It's got space monsters, blood, screaming, death rays, um, Tim Robbins... tripods. Everything!

For those of you that don't know, it's about these space aliens that come to earth, from space. And you're thinking, "Yes, Spielberg, aliens. I saw that movie." But these aren't the same! E.T. is a nice boy with a long neck who just wants to phone home.



The aliens in WotW are mean and scary. They like to cruise around in big ships called "tripods". I don't know what that means in English, but it sounds pretty damn cool. They also like to incinerate people.

Unless they're hungry. Then you get sucked up by their giant sphincters.

Which is not the best thing.

It's really cool, and there's something devastatingly beautiful about the creative and visually splendid ways Spielberg devises to kill millions of screaming Americans. Granted it has a few problems. There is some stuff at the end that's kind of silly. But I can't tell you the secrets. It's good. Oh, and if you hate Tim Robbins (I love the guy, but hey), he does die here. Didn't make much sense to me. Big Tim could so take crazy Cruise in a fight.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T. (0) comments

The fucking links on the right side are disrupting the flow of my posts. I'm working on getting a more magical me to a happier you.

Nicky (0) comments