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Saturday, July 02, 2005

Stupid animals. 

So, I'm outside with my ultra-high tension compound bow with thermonuclear warhead-tipped arrows, going Rambo on this bale of hay, just minding my own business.

And guess what, these two deer just walk by me, placid as can be. And I'm sitting there, glistening with manly sweat and putting together the equation. Deer plus arrow equals... darrow. Clarence Darrow, famous lawyer featured in the Scopes Monkey Trials?



So, I didn't shoot the deer. I don't know if I could have even made the shot (although my arrows have a pretty large blast radius). So, I just resign myself and chalk it up to my natural pacifism and humaneness. Those deer, they don't even look at me, but I know what they're thinking. They're going, "Look at that pussy. He's not going to take the shot. Mahh! You're not going to take the shot! Come on, buddy. Take the shot. Take the shot. I dare you, buddy."

Someone has got to put those deer in their place. Walking on my lawn while I've got a bow in my hand? That's an insult to everything my people stand for. The day a man can't go out and shoot a deer, a polar beer, and a couple of indians in one day, then club a good-looking woman and take her to his cave, that's the day I don't want to live in this country any more.


Menace.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer

Posted by: Nicky / 10:09 PM

2 Comments:

There are deer in South Salem?

By  Anonymous, at 11:46 PM  

Toss the thermonukes, you dinosaur. The latest in arrow-mounted WMD's is chemical and biological weapons. Why blast the little sucker to shreds with one of those wimpy little nukes when you can make his flesh turn to acidic paste? Part of the fun of game hunting is watching your prey succumb to the gut-wrenching agony that you can unleash upon them?

It's not like they don't deserve misery. I mean, we're better. And tougher. WE developed big guns and ultratension, high torque composite bows. WE drove them out fair and square. They never even had a chance to defend themselves against us! HOw could they POSSIBLY have a right to the land on which we now settle ourselves when they never even defended it?! Look at those HORNS!!! They're...big. Couldn't they do any damage with those?

Nicky, you have to realize that what deer deserve is nothing more than nerve-wracking pain. They do nothing but forage for scraps of foliage to feed themselves, and it detracts not only from the health of the plants, but also from the hyper-controlled perfection of our foliage, which in turn lowers our social standing in the community. I'm telling you, Nicky, you have to learn to recognize when it's time to take action against these...affronts to the security of our social popularity. You must take ACTION. In other words, you should have nailed those two little leaf-sucking scumbuckets right in the neck as soon as you could draw your bead on them.

But don't worry, my friend. I'm sure that your foremost priority after seeing the truth of my statements is to immediately redeem yourself for the mistake that you've made in not taking action against the four-legged menaces. All is not lost! There is still a chance to correct your mistake! I would suggest a twenty-four hour watch to be posted for these deer, effective immediately. You will most likely wish to effect an active extermination in your neighborhood, as well.

Happy hunting!

-ED

By  Anonymous, at 12:56 PM  

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