HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Yeah. They do. That's pretty cool. It's a funny song. And this movie does a terrible job of portraying today's "cool" kids. And I would know, having spent extensive time in their natural habitat. Actually, I'm not sure what their natural habitat is. It's probably in one of those terrblie places that I wouldn't want to go to and such. But I have spent time near these "cool" kids. And I'll tell you, they have better things to do than stand in the hallway and call "Loser! Loser!" And they just played "Like a Prayer". So, I'm docking points. Bitch.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

Hey, Drew Barrymore may be Ugly Like the Wolf (excuse my 80's reference), but like, she's made friends with this nerd girl that's apparently despised by everyone, but in ordinary teen movie fashion, she's actually hot, and by some magical spell, NO ONE FUCKING NOTICES. God! Leelee Sobieski! Come on! That's a fucking hot nerd. But really, this movie is humiliating. YOU'RE UGLY. UGLY! Also, your character is twenty-fucking-five and somehow you've lost touch with the fashion and lives of an entire fucking generation. I have a cousin that's like 30. He's working with his slightly younger brother, and they're set up and now they're managing this tiny hotel in Mexico. That's cool. The older one, Rye, plays tennis and parties hard. Before the hotel, he was a graphical designer, packing a G3 powerbook like some sort of techno-toting mouse-jockey. So don't tell me a fucking 25 year-old is gonna dress up like a 80's Ma-fucking-donna video. She's all like, "I want to be popular! But how?" You were in college what, like, three years ago? It's a lot like high school. You stupid bitch. Please.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

God damnit! Drew Barrymore is not fucking hot. Who thinks she is? I will hunt them down and shoot them with poison darts, but instead of poison, they'll have motorized syringes, and the syringes will be filled air, and I'll shoot the darts from a precision sniper blowgun straight into their arteries, so the air will inject into their bloodstream and they'll die. Because Drew Barrymore is not hot. I've seen these movies, I'm watching "Never Been Kissed" on TV, I've seen Charlie's Angels. Even in that she's not hot.

For one, no. She's just not. She's not even very attractive. I know history teachers that are hotter than her (actually, just one, but she teaches a yoga class after school once a week... heh heh heh....)

She's like Melissa Joan Hart. Actually, I don't remember what Melissa Joan Hart looks like. She's probably hotter. I just don't get it.

If someone can tell me the magical secret to why the screen people want me to believe Drew Barrymore is hot, send me a message.

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

That's all I want to know. If you can explain the ending, just post right here. (0) comments

Hey, I'm doing a post here because my adoring fans have complained (ha ha... that's total bullshit) and I figure I should write something. Actually, I just feel like it. So, I'm a compulsive liar. Actually, that's not true. Or is it? It's like a paradox.

Anyway, I just started watching the Reloaded DVD. It's like eleven fucking thirty. I'm gonna miss Leno. I like to "watch" Leno and Conan on Friday nights. But I don't actually watch them. I have a Walkman that picks up radio stations. So I listen while I'm in bed. Sexy. But, I'm going to bed and listening to Conan around 12:30, even if I need to re-watch the rest of the movie tomorrow. You need to know that, because you freaks like to know every tiny detail of my life. Why else would I write it? Beat that logic, dickweeds!

So, in the opening scene, or near it, all those dudes are gathered in the Matrix, talking about Squiddies and such. And they're in a sewer with like, a fluorescent light. And they're all wearing dark sunglasses. And it's a sewer. You can't fucking see anything when everyone's wearing fucking dark glasses in the dark. Do you really think these freedom fighters who are fighting desperate to save their race are like, "fuck vision, this makes us look good!" There's no logical fucking reason. Or maybe they're all fucking messiahs and they're like, "I don't need my eyes, I can see. Everything looks like light! I think my eyelids are on fire."

Right.

Also, what's with Zion? I've noticed there are like four white people. I mean sure, diversity is cool and everything, but where all the white people at? I mean, come on. I bet they're all still in the Matrix. SHIT! THAT would explain why there's no black people in other movies and in Friends. Like, because they're all in the Matrix, and all the "darkies" have been liberated. Jennifer Aniston though, she's still stuck in the Matrix. Poor child. Like, it's easier to get the black people out because satistically, they have less interest in computers anyway. And they make good agents because centuries of indignation have made them real sensitive about being slaves.

Or maybe, wait, here's my other theory: okay, at first glance, that weird orgy dancing scene, it looks completely dispensable, but no! It explains why there aren't any white people. You might be confused, but I will prove my point eloquently and succinctly. Okay: as the dancing scene in the Matrix indicates, dancing is a vital part of Zion life. Clearly, they need to "boogie" and "get down", both as a tension release, as some sort of ritual, and as a chance to receive "props" from one's friends. It may also be a chance, as the scene shows, to "get" with "shortie". That evidence, we shall refer to as Object A.
Now: as the TV has taught us, and therefore everyone in the Matrix, white people can't dance. Ah... is this starting to come together for you people? Good. In case you still don't get it, here: look, in Zion, if you can't dance, you're not wanted, so after they tried liberating white folk, and realized they couldn't dance, they mostly gave up, but occasionally including one or two white guys that in the future are generally referred to as "the token white guy". And there you have it: Zion only liberates white people to avoid lawsuits, to find messiahs, and to find someone to be their highest leader (that little old guy with the white hair).

Any way the Neo V. Smiths fight is coming up, so I'm gonna quit. See yas.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

Man, I've been really lazy lately and I haven't felt like writing anything for a while, so it'll probably be a while before you see anything significant from me. But I have been drawing a lot and stuff. If I had a realy website, I could show you pictures. But I don't. So I can't. Bitch.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

I haven't seen Fox 5 New York in a while and it's the first thing I'm going to do when I return. That's right New York friends, I value Fox 5 over you. Mainly because it's so stupid it's funny. What was the funniest part you ask? The Fox 5 Problem Solvers. The main thing that they did was follow people around and ask them questions like "Why did you do it?" And the person would always cover his face somehow. And that was it! Nothing would happen after that. It's like the problem was not putting some guy on TV. The only "problem" I ever saw them "solve" was that in some neighboorhood in queens there was an old telephone pole that was a bit unstable. So the problem solvers got verizon to remove it. THAT'S ALL THEY HAVE DONE. Scary isn't it?
Later (0) comments

For my first edition of Fucking Losers, which admitedly sounds like the wonderful Newgrounds.com series, "You Are a Fucking Moron", I will talk about some people I saw on the news.

"I want to kill him ... our marriage is on the brink."
Those are the words of some whiny bitch. I don't know her name. She's married to this guy with two kids, and no real problems, they say. Except, he snores. A lot, all night.

Okay, okay. Admitedly, snoring is a problem, but this woman is nuts. She's filming him with a video camera and stuff. But you know the real fucking morons? Fox News for doing a special on this. Okay, so they were making the public aware about some anti-snoring device, but did they really have to use this family as their editorial guinea pig? What a fucking waste of time.

Family and Fox, you are Fucking Losers.

Oh, I can't do this. I'm totally stealing from "You Are a Fucking Moron". So, you should watch that instead. Bye.

Nicky


MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

"Hey, I'm going to see Matrix Revolutions with my Dad today."
"Don't see it; it sucks."
"I heard it does, but I have to see it anyway."
"Whatever. You know, Neo dies at the end."
"Yeah... what? Oh. Okay. Well don't tell me anything else."
"Yeah, he dies from jerking off to much."
"What? No he doesn't. Shut up!"
"Yeah, he goes nuts and destroys the world."
"No... no he doesn't?"
"Yes, he does. She's like, yeah, cause Trinity's dead, so his new bitch, Infidelity is like, 'you're not the one,' and he's like, 'yes I am!' and he gets really angry."
"Shut up! He doesn't really jerk off, though."
"Well... it's hard to explain... he's Neo, so he does it with his mind."
"Look shut up... don't tell me anything."
"Okay, bye."

So, that's a conversation I had with my friend Salvador at the end of science class today. I was vaguely excited because I was going to see Revolutions today, and, well, you see. If you have seen the movie, and you must be living in Tennessee or something if you haven't, you'd know this is pretty much all made up. But I almost wish it wasn't.

The Review, Sort Of:

So, I stepped into the theater with my dad, with little to no expectations, hoping with the ever-shrinking part of my mind that experiences hope, that The Matrix Revolutions would contradict almost all of the reviews I'd read.

While I watched the movie, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the movie neither repulsed me, humiliated me, or stimulated my sense of humor in the wrong way. When the movie was over, I changed my mind. Then I realized I missed an episode of the Simpsons. Then I cursed for a while.

Okay, the movie started pretty much where Reloaded left off, with Neo unconscious and that guy with Smith in him also in a coma or something. Whatever. Anyway, Neo wakes up in this train station, and then he talks about love and feelings with these Indian people that are really computer programs.

Meanwhile, Trinity and co. are trying to find Neo and save him from this train station netherworld. So they go to visit the... you know what? I can't remember his name. But he thinks he's french. Apparently he employs the "Train Man", who should actually be called the "Train Bum", because he wears tattered clothes, has stained, crooked teeth, wild hair, and talks all scratchy. "I built this place. In the subway, I make the rules. God is coming! Repent! It's the end of the world!"
"Duh," says Neo. "I am the fucking Jesus figure."

Okay, okay, okay. So Trinity, Morpheus, and Seraph, who has really, really, small sunglasses, storm the French programs' S&M club, because... you know what. There's already enough jokes about that S&M club in other people's reviews. They get to the club, and these topless gun check guys are like, give us your guns. Then the Trinity people go to work on them, but not before running around on the ceiling and shooting, which is a big step up from running on walls and shooting.

Okay... anyway, Trinity proves that she really loves Neo, because she would be willing to die for him and shit. So the French guy agrees on the condition that Trinity makes out with his wife Persophone, which they do for 20 minutes. Oh, wait, that was the part I fantasized as I watched the stupid French guy talk about consequence. Anyway, some stuff happens, and they rescue Neo. But he shows no emotion, because he's really a robot! No, wait, he always does that.

He awakes on Morpheus's ship, or Niobe's ship, or whatever. Then he's like, "I need more time." Then he sleeps for 12 hours until Zion is destroyed. Ha ha... that's another one of my trademark, complete lies.

Meanwhile, in Zion, some boring actors talk about how angry they are about random shit. And they're like, "the British are coming, the British are coming!" Then another guy's like, "Dude, those are fucking squid robots. They're going to kill us. There's 250,000 of them." Then, the guy's like, "One if by land, two if by sea!"

So some more stuff happens, Neo says to some white guy, I need to borrow your ship to go to robot island. Then Whitey's like, "You're out of your damn mind!" Then Niobe's like, "Take my ship, you hot little fucker. I wanna sex you up." Neo's like, "Ahright! ...but I'm taking Trinity with me. Sorry. I really regret choosing that pale bitch."

Some shit happens that I can't really remember.

Then there's the battle for Zion. One of the longest, most drawn out action sequences... ever. Okay, so here's the deal: the Zionites, are like, "Holy fucking shit! Hundreds of thousands of large, flying, many-tentacled robotic monsters are attacking!"
"So, what should we do?"
"Okay... here's the plan. We wait until they blast through our fortified walls giant drill bits. Then we get gigantic mechanized suits piloted by several hundred of our best men, to stand on really narrow catwalks, and stand still, shooting the robots."
"With what?"
"Gigantic bullets."
"Okay... how many robo-suits?"
"I don't know... A hundred fifty?"
"How many Callamari?"
"Two hundred and fifty thousand."
"Uh-huh."
"Put that cyanide pill away!"
"Fine... okay... so, why robo-suits? It doesn't seem like they'd have to really walk around or anything, and it seems like, you know, dangerous for them to stand on these narrow platforms while thousands of robots stream towards them."
"Look... I've been drinking a lot, lately. A lot."
"Remind me again; how did you become the high chancellor?
"I'm the only white guy over forty around here."
"Curse this horrific future we live in!"
"Future?"
"Whatever."

No, seriously, who's idea was this? They put these guys in these robots, with less protection than a scuba diver in a shark cage. Actually, those things work pretty well. Okay, less protection that a scuba diver in a shark cage, in an ocean infested with electric eels and poisonous jellyfish. How about tanks? You could put tanks on the catwalks. They aren't as easily knocked off the narrow platforms. And they don't die when a Sentinel pokes them. Also, they used bullets. Apparently they couldn't use EMPs, which would wipe out hundreds at a time, because it would take out everyone's power. But they could have used small range EMPs, right? Or explosives. Come on, people! And it took like, three hundred Sentinels to bring down one mecha suit. Like, they'd form a big swarming column and go straight at the guy. You know what? Take ten Sentinels. And fly in a fucking ring around the guy. We're talking people here! They're not that hard to kill.

Anyway, some stuff happens and the battle is won, temporarily. Meanwhile, Neo, who has had, well, something bad happen to him, is flying with Trinity towards Robot City, or, Robocity, as I call it. Suddenly, hundreds of explosive, flying, grubs are coming towards Neo. "That's okay," he says, "I'll spontaneously combust them with my mind." He does that for a while until Trinity tells him to stop, because it doesn't make any sense. He does, but then "someone" gets impaled on some pointless and confusing pole-spike things, and tells Neo to do, whatever it is he was going to do.

Okay, finally. We're almost done here. Neo talks to the giant computer system for a while and then he re-enters the Matrix for his final battle with Agent Smith, who by now has pretty much assimilated the entire Matrix, and created a permanent downpour. And it's dark. But he still won't take off his sunglasses. There are hundreds of thousands of Smiths but, when Neo enters, Smith is all like, "I've seen this; this is the part where I kill you, so I might as well not involve any of my clones." Because that would be an easy battle. I mean, seriously. They always gotta make it one on one. Then Neo's like, "Damn, Niobe is fine," and Smith's like, "Truth!" Then they talk some jive and double-team Niobe. The end.

Okay, so, not really. Neo and Smith proceed to fight. I hoped this battle might kick ass and redeem the rest of the movie, like it did in Reloaded. But it didn't. It sucked. Okay, so it was pouring and lightening and stuff, so, it was kind of hard to see what was going on. And the fight wasn't very interesting. They were both really powerful. They kept flying thousands of feet in the air, ending up far away, and then flying straight at each other, like goats butting heads. Like supersonic goats. Every time they did that, this huge spherical shock wave would fly out, but it didn't really do anything. Sometimes they would fight oldschool style, but to make it "cool", they were usually 2600 feet in the air at the time. I'm sorry, that's not cool. It's just normal, but really high up. A break, please? Okay, some stuff happens, Smith says something that makes Neo angry and they fight, but Neo gets beat down again. Then Smith says some stuff and Neo's like, "Yes, you're right... you're always right. I do need Powerade." Then Smith does something I won't say, then some other stuff happens that I won't say, then the movie ends with some more stuff that I won't say.

I am pretty dissappointed in the Wachowskis right now. The first movie was good. The second movie wasn't revolutionary, but it had some high points. But no. Larry, Andy, for shame.

There is one part of Revolutions where Trinity and Neo are driving frantically to escape the Sentinels and for a brief moment, they fly past the dark lightning and the clouds, and for a moment of breathtaking beauty, their ship enters the sky, which is pink and rosy.

This is what I have to say.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

If you've ever watched any sporting event on ESPN, you'll notice that during play stoppages they always seek out people with signs that say "Sportcenter Next". I hate those people so much. I hate how they make those signs just to get on TV. I find that incredibly stupid and kind of obnoxious. You should go to the game to root for your team. Make a sign that says "Go Team", don't make yourself a walking ad for ESPN just to get a 5 second spot on ESPN showing you screaming and holding up your sign. That's just plain stupid. And damn foolish. If I ever met someone that did that, I would ask them what the hell is the matter with them. Then after they gave me a stupid response I would shove a sign down their throat that says "Don't be stupid". That would show them. (0) comments

Yo, what the hell is up with European TV? I guess the real question is, what's the deal with American TV?

They say that in Europe, they show a lot more sex and stuff than we do, and in America, we show a lot more violence than they do.

Exactly who made that deal? Wasn't me. Wasn't me.

Thanks pals. Way to stiff millions of teenagers out of cheap boobs. Look, without the legalization of more sex on TV, teenagers have to turn to illegal pornography, which, little known fact, funds terrorists. And hey, I am not fond of terrorists.

"But, hey," you might say, "at least we get a lot of violence!" To that I reply, "Whee." Look, I'm not saying I don't enjoy watching a topless Jack Bauer getting whipped with a rubber hose, but I would trade that for more on-screen nudity. Let Britain have our violence. "Cheerios, we've got to lower that cholesterol!" Oh, oops. I mean, "Cheerio, I do believe that lady has a blade of glass protruding from her eye. Oh, dear!" No, seriously, Brits are the greatest. I mean, hell, they're the ones that probably have nudity on THEIR soap operas.

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

Man, I just saw that Cheerios ad again. Man, that's going to haunt me in my dreams. You know, the one where the kid goes to his dad's room and it's dark and he offers him the Cheerios. And the dad is like, "What's this?" And the little boy is like, "Breakfast," and then his dad is like, "Isn't it a little early?" and the kid is like "We've got to take some cholesterol off you."

To some of you that may seem cute and charminng, but to me, that's plain insulting.

How dare that little boy condescend to his father! "We've got to take some cholesterol off you." Come on. Please. Like that guy isn't insecure enough about his cholesterol already, and the little kid has to go and TELL HIM his cholesterol is high? Give me a break. What a little bitch. "We've got to take some cholesterol off you."

You know what I would have done? I would have smacked that boy upside the head and said, "Go get me some bacon, bitch." (0) comments

Peep this. Today in Memphis it was 80 degrees. For those of you who don't know, today is November 1st. NOVEMBER FREAKING FIRST and it's 80 degrees out. My only observation all day was "You've got to be kidding me."

So anyway on Halloween (It was also 80 degrees that day) people were allowed to wear costumes to school. I of course, did not wear a costume, and neither did most of the 9th grade. But there were some strange costumes. One of my 10th grade friends, Andrei, went drag to school. But he dressed up more like a mother than a young hot woman. I avoided him most of the day. There were some 10th grade girls who dressed up "ghetto". They wore wife beaters, the cap on the head sideways, and shorts that they placed below their behinds. They had boxers on underneath however (Sorry Jeremy). And they had some necklaces on with pendants on them (one of them said 50 Cent). I took personal offense to that costume.

So overall I would rate halloween at Lausanne a 'cool'. Maybe next year I'll dress up as Babe Ruth or something. I don't know, we'll see.

Rock On! (0) comments