HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

"Hey, I'm going to see Matrix Revolutions with my Dad today."
"Don't see it; it sucks."
"I heard it does, but I have to see it anyway."
"Whatever. You know, Neo dies at the end."
"Yeah... what? Oh. Okay. Well don't tell me anything else."
"Yeah, he dies from jerking off to much."
"What? No he doesn't. Shut up!"
"Yeah, he goes nuts and destroys the world."
"No... no he doesn't?"
"Yes, he does. She's like, yeah, cause Trinity's dead, so his new bitch, Infidelity is like, 'you're not the one,' and he's like, 'yes I am!' and he gets really angry."
"Shut up! He doesn't really jerk off, though."
"Well... it's hard to explain... he's Neo, so he does it with his mind."
"Look shut up... don't tell me anything."
"Okay, bye."

So, that's a conversation I had with my friend Salvador at the end of science class today. I was vaguely excited because I was going to see Revolutions today, and, well, you see. If you have seen the movie, and you must be living in Tennessee or something if you haven't, you'd know this is pretty much all made up. But I almost wish it wasn't.

The Review, Sort Of:

So, I stepped into the theater with my dad, with little to no expectations, hoping with the ever-shrinking part of my mind that experiences hope, that The Matrix Revolutions would contradict almost all of the reviews I'd read.

While I watched the movie, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the movie neither repulsed me, humiliated me, or stimulated my sense of humor in the wrong way. When the movie was over, I changed my mind. Then I realized I missed an episode of the Simpsons. Then I cursed for a while.

Okay, the movie started pretty much where Reloaded left off, with Neo unconscious and that guy with Smith in him also in a coma or something. Whatever. Anyway, Neo wakes up in this train station, and then he talks about love and feelings with these Indian people that are really computer programs.

Meanwhile, Trinity and co. are trying to find Neo and save him from this train station netherworld. So they go to visit the... you know what? I can't remember his name. But he thinks he's french. Apparently he employs the "Train Man", who should actually be called the "Train Bum", because he wears tattered clothes, has stained, crooked teeth, wild hair, and talks all scratchy. "I built this place. In the subway, I make the rules. God is coming! Repent! It's the end of the world!"
"Duh," says Neo. "I am the fucking Jesus figure."

Okay, okay, okay. So Trinity, Morpheus, and Seraph, who has really, really, small sunglasses, storm the French programs' S&M club, because... you know what. There's already enough jokes about that S&M club in other people's reviews. They get to the club, and these topless gun check guys are like, give us your guns. Then the Trinity people go to work on them, but not before running around on the ceiling and shooting, which is a big step up from running on walls and shooting.

Okay... anyway, Trinity proves that she really loves Neo, because she would be willing to die for him and shit. So the French guy agrees on the condition that Trinity makes out with his wife Persophone, which they do for 20 minutes. Oh, wait, that was the part I fantasized as I watched the stupid French guy talk about consequence. Anyway, some stuff happens, and they rescue Neo. But he shows no emotion, because he's really a robot! No, wait, he always does that.

He awakes on Morpheus's ship, or Niobe's ship, or whatever. Then he's like, "I need more time." Then he sleeps for 12 hours until Zion is destroyed. Ha ha... that's another one of my trademark, complete lies.

Meanwhile, in Zion, some boring actors talk about how angry they are about random shit. And they're like, "the British are coming, the British are coming!" Then another guy's like, "Dude, those are fucking squid robots. They're going to kill us. There's 250,000 of them." Then, the guy's like, "One if by land, two if by sea!"

So some more stuff happens, Neo says to some white guy, I need to borrow your ship to go to robot island. Then Whitey's like, "You're out of your damn mind!" Then Niobe's like, "Take my ship, you hot little fucker. I wanna sex you up." Neo's like, "Ahright! ...but I'm taking Trinity with me. Sorry. I really regret choosing that pale bitch."

Some shit happens that I can't really remember.

Then there's the battle for Zion. One of the longest, most drawn out action sequences... ever. Okay, so here's the deal: the Zionites, are like, "Holy fucking shit! Hundreds of thousands of large, flying, many-tentacled robotic monsters are attacking!"
"So, what should we do?"
"Okay... here's the plan. We wait until they blast through our fortified walls giant drill bits. Then we get gigantic mechanized suits piloted by several hundred of our best men, to stand on really narrow catwalks, and stand still, shooting the robots."
"With what?"
"Gigantic bullets."
"Okay... how many robo-suits?"
"I don't know... A hundred fifty?"
"How many Callamari?"
"Two hundred and fifty thousand."
"Uh-huh."
"Put that cyanide pill away!"
"Fine... okay... so, why robo-suits? It doesn't seem like they'd have to really walk around or anything, and it seems like, you know, dangerous for them to stand on these narrow platforms while thousands of robots stream towards them."
"Look... I've been drinking a lot, lately. A lot."
"Remind me again; how did you become the high chancellor?
"I'm the only white guy over forty around here."
"Curse this horrific future we live in!"
"Future?"
"Whatever."

No, seriously, who's idea was this? They put these guys in these robots, with less protection than a scuba diver in a shark cage. Actually, those things work pretty well. Okay, less protection that a scuba diver in a shark cage, in an ocean infested with electric eels and poisonous jellyfish. How about tanks? You could put tanks on the catwalks. They aren't as easily knocked off the narrow platforms. And they don't die when a Sentinel pokes them. Also, they used bullets. Apparently they couldn't use EMPs, which would wipe out hundreds at a time, because it would take out everyone's power. But they could have used small range EMPs, right? Or explosives. Come on, people! And it took like, three hundred Sentinels to bring down one mecha suit. Like, they'd form a big swarming column and go straight at the guy. You know what? Take ten Sentinels. And fly in a fucking ring around the guy. We're talking people here! They're not that hard to kill.

Anyway, some stuff happens and the battle is won, temporarily. Meanwhile, Neo, who has had, well, something bad happen to him, is flying with Trinity towards Robot City, or, Robocity, as I call it. Suddenly, hundreds of explosive, flying, grubs are coming towards Neo. "That's okay," he says, "I'll spontaneously combust them with my mind." He does that for a while until Trinity tells him to stop, because it doesn't make any sense. He does, but then "someone" gets impaled on some pointless and confusing pole-spike things, and tells Neo to do, whatever it is he was going to do.

Okay, finally. We're almost done here. Neo talks to the giant computer system for a while and then he re-enters the Matrix for his final battle with Agent Smith, who by now has pretty much assimilated the entire Matrix, and created a permanent downpour. And it's dark. But he still won't take off his sunglasses. There are hundreds of thousands of Smiths but, when Neo enters, Smith is all like, "I've seen this; this is the part where I kill you, so I might as well not involve any of my clones." Because that would be an easy battle. I mean, seriously. They always gotta make it one on one. Then Neo's like, "Damn, Niobe is fine," and Smith's like, "Truth!" Then they talk some jive and double-team Niobe. The end.

Okay, so, not really. Neo and Smith proceed to fight. I hoped this battle might kick ass and redeem the rest of the movie, like it did in Reloaded. But it didn't. It sucked. Okay, so it was pouring and lightening and stuff, so, it was kind of hard to see what was going on. And the fight wasn't very interesting. They were both really powerful. They kept flying thousands of feet in the air, ending up far away, and then flying straight at each other, like goats butting heads. Like supersonic goats. Every time they did that, this huge spherical shock wave would fly out, but it didn't really do anything. Sometimes they would fight oldschool style, but to make it "cool", they were usually 2600 feet in the air at the time. I'm sorry, that's not cool. It's just normal, but really high up. A break, please? Okay, some stuff happens, Smith says something that makes Neo angry and they fight, but Neo gets beat down again. Then Smith says some stuff and Neo's like, "Yes, you're right... you're always right. I do need Powerade." Then Smith does something I won't say, then some other stuff happens that I won't say, then the movie ends with some more stuff that I won't say.

I am pretty dissappointed in the Wachowskis right now. The first movie was good. The second movie wasn't revolutionary, but it had some high points. But no. Larry, Andy, for shame.

There is one part of Revolutions where Trinity and Neo are driving frantically to escape the Sentinels and for a brief moment, they fly past the dark lightning and the clouds, and for a moment of breathtaking beauty, their ship enters the sky, which is pink and rosy.

This is what I have to say.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.