HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

That's not a month, man. What is wrong with you guys? 28 days. February is my birthday month, you know. February 24. If February were just four days shorter, I would not have been born. That's how fucked up this month is. Actually, that's not very good logic!

At least I wasn't born on February 29th, though. Leap Year? That would suck. You wouldn't get to drive until you were 68, vote until you were 72, or drink until you were 84. And at that point, who even cares anymore? I wouldn't want to be stuck in school for 52 years. Jesus.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

Mad TV has an Asian guy. He's awesome. They use him for everything. You got a part for an Asian person, he's the man (or woman) for the job.

Why doesn't SNL have an Asian guy? They're fantastic! That's why SNL sucks. No Asians. There are so many potential parts!

-nerd
-kung fu master
-guy that doesn't speak English very well (combine with kung fu master for optimal results)
-scientist
-engineer
-Japanese schoolgirl
-Japanese schoolboy (Come on! It would be funny.)
-Japanese guy that thinks he's ghetto
-Japanese game show host
-Japanese person
-sushi chef
-Kim Jong Il

And many more! Come on! The possibilities are endless here.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (4) comments

"We're going to test-drive the Toyota Prius," they said.
"Okay," I said.

Three hours later I get a call: "We bought a car."

Great guys. You didn't even ask or anything. This is money out of my college fund, or something. Why aren't I consulted in these decisions. It's like I'm a little kid or something. Jesus.

Actually, it's okay. We totally need three cars. Actually, maybe we do? One of them is 13 or 14 years old, the other one is five years old but it sucks and we've been trying to sell it for four years. So, okay. Cool. I get a new car. That can't be bad.

Ooh ooh! Or, maybe they bought it so they could give me the old one when I get my driver's license. That's as cool as it is improbable. I would look so sexy, driving around in that '92 Honda Civic station wagon. It's a classic, a perfect model of its generation. Oh, and! Sometimes you can get out of traffic tickets because cops write it down as a sedan when it's really a suburban.

Stupid cops.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

Well, I saw Lost in Translation today. It's pretty much the most depressing movie in the entire world. It's about two people (Bill Murray and Scarlet Johansen who are in Japan on various businesses and meet in the lobby bar of their hotel. They are unhappy with their spouses and they find their lives completely devoid of purpose. They don't like Japan much either.

So of course, they find comfort by commiserating with each other and discussing life, and trying to understand why they're here. It's a bittersweet movie about bittersweet people. It's also extremely depressing. I wanted to cry the whole time. If I had to see one more shot of Bill Murray looking old and lonely, or Scarlet Johansen sitting solemnly on a windowsill in her underwear, I would have probably cut myself with some broken glass.

So, in conclusion, Lost in Translation is a good movie, but it is very sad and now I hate Japan.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (4) comments

Well, I'm most of the way through my catastrophic (yet smooth and mild) illness. And I've come back from my journey to the very edge, the rift of the beyond with some realizations.

When you're sick, your priorities change. Your sense of what's important gets all shuffled around. You stop worrying about what people think of you, what you got on your test, whether you left the gas on. Suddenly, whether you can absorb 8 ounces of water becomes the focus of your entire day. Succeeding at such a task becomes a monumental accomplishment.

You also start to notice strange things. Like, you ever sit on the toilet and just stare at your toes? Dude! They're like tiny, deformed, baby fingers! What the hell? It really started to freak me out. Man, there was something else that I forgot, but it probably wasn't very interesting. I mean, how could it be?

Whoa, there's black people on That 70s Show? God damn. But that's cool. I love black people. Know several.

Donna's hot.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

I've been so sick today. You know, the kind where you welcome death? On the other hand, there's nothing like a deathly illness to get you some sleep? I basically slept from 3:30 AM yesterday until 6:00 PM today. That's a good, uh... in my weakened condition I can't do math.

Wait! Wait! 15? Hours? Something like that. Of course, half the time I was shivering and cursing the day of my birth. I also remember moaning a lot. I also talked to my brain a lot. I told it that this was all its fault and that it's supposed to protect me from danger stuff. Like viruses.

But I'm feeling much better now, thanks to you, non-asprin pain reliever I found on my dresser.

Hey, have you seen those ads for Covad solutions? That VOIP thing? It's some kind of internet phone or something about a phone, but they advertise it like it's a movie ad. Am I the only one who is impressed by the acting in the fake movie that they're pretending to advertise for? I think it looks really exciting.

Anyway, I'm going to go relax or something. Whatever it is that I do. Pray for me.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

I try not to endorse those neo-confederate bastards, but I just can't help it. It's a good song.


MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (1) comments

Anyone see ads for this movie The Pacifier? Yeah, good shit. Vin Diesel plays some sort of top-trained secret government mercenary soldier-type professional... something. But the hilarious thing is, he has to protect a bunch of KIDS! Oh MAN! I don't know about you guys, but it's kind of the highlight of my year. If there's anything better than action stars doing formulaic action movies, it's action stars doing formulaic comedies, therefore breaking the mold.

Hey guess what? Kidding. I was totally kidding. I do that sometimes.
All right, I'm going to tone down the sarcasm for a moment here.

It's always so painful to see an actor with such limited talent, who has made a living by starring in tepid and uninspired movies, and to realize just how much deeper he can sink.

Have you noticed how actors always end up starring in movies opposite a bunch of kids at the very end of their career arc? Now, I don't have any definite evidence here, but think of Eddie Murphy. Right? Remember Eddie Murphy, star of such hits as Coming to America, 48 Hours, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash (oh wait, not that one)? Now look at his most recent movies: Daddy Day Care, Haunted mansion, Shrek 2. That's right, Shrek 2. Come on, guys; it wasn't very good.

Now, what's on Mr. Murphy's list of upcoming films, hm? Daddy Day Camp and Shrek 3.

Do you UNDERSTAND? Exactly WHERE do you have to BE in your CAREER to make a SEQUEL to DADDY DAY CARE? This is not the world of a loving god.

And now Vin Diesel comes out with The Pacifier. The interesting thing is how quickly he went from his audacious beginning in Saving Private Ryan or the Thin Red Line or I don't really care, passed through the height of his popularity, with The Fast and the Furious and XXX (the sequel of which is coming out soon and nobody cares,) to this dizzying new low.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm radically incorrect. Maybe this is just a little cheap movie to pay the bills until he comes out with his poignant and moving drama next Fall. I can't wait to see Uwe Boll presents: A Vin Diesel Film: The Blooming of Howard Spangler.

I'm sorry. I totally fucked up with the sarcasm thing. I was trying to not do it, but it's just... it's just me. I can't change who I am.


I also have to mention that I've been watching Boston Legal since it's premier earlier this year. All I can say is that it's one of my favorite shows in a long time. If they replaced the characters with other characters, moved it to outer space, and changed its name to "Firefly," I could honestly say that it's as good as Firefly, which was woefully cancelled after five magical episodes. Still, it's damn good. James Spader is a god. It's just so refreshing to see a protagonist who is smug and complacent, and regularly does bad things to good people. And William Shatner is... he's just... he's William Shatner. Watch it Sundays at 9:00, only on ABC.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Actually, no I haven't. But I have been thinking a little.

I'm not quite ready to let this bad boy go. There is still plenty of creativity in me (hopefully,) but it hasn't really been channeling into this world for a bit of a while. That means that it's very difficult for me to get up the strength to write anything here these days.

However, I do actually have ideas for things to write, usually at least once a day. It just never seems like enough to warrant an actual post. So, here's what I'm going to do.

As soon as I think of something, ANYTHING that seems even remotely interesting to me, I will write about it at the soonest possible moment. This is going to lead to a lot of frivolous and, I admit, boring posts. But they will exist.

So, I'd like to start by talking about Vin Diesel.

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

My site is Dying! I don't know if it will die, but it has been going through some very bad times recently. This is very difficult for all of us, I know. I wish I could save it, but I'm only one man. If all you want is content, send in your own stuff. If everyone contributes their own useless crap, we can weave it together into a big ball of useless crap! (I don't know how to weave a ball out of crap, but I'll damn well try.) These days I have no inspiration, no motivation. Anyone want to be my muse? You know, any hot, young, nubile people who are good at this sort of thing? You know, musery. I'm totally willing to give you an interview. Right now, be my muse, the position is highly prestigious and very competitive. Apply now.

See? See this? This is why I don't write anymore. I'm a wreck. Jesus. It's someone else's turn.


MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (5) comments

What am I typing? I think I Just finished typing a post. Let me look at my Polaroids. There's a note: "Publish post." I've gotta publish this! Hold it in your mind. Keep focused. I've got to find a...

Huh, I've got my web browser open. Look at my photos. Picture of my blog: "Memento is awesome." Okay, write about Memento. "Memento is... awesome. It is a thrilling story of revenge and intrigue. I guess that's about enough. Not much to write. It's just good. Very good." That's all I know! That's all I remember! Okay, good. Write a note: "Publish post."

What am I... oh. Rewinding Memento. Memento is awesome! I should write a post about it. Okay, get this down, here. Open... Safari. Take a picture. "Memento is awesome."

Oh man, that was a surprising ending. I totally didn't see that coming. What a monster! Wait, gotta rewind it. Always gotta rewind.


I had more to write, but Jesus: writing backwards is fucking laborious. Took me fucking forever to get down what I already wrote. I have newfound respect for whoever wrote the movie. Anyway, I saw Memento. It was pretty awesome. All the backwards narration was like, innovative and junk I also like the way... what did I like?


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

Something has begun. After something like 15 years, depending on where you start counting, I have gone without a cell phone. It was tough, as I watched every generation of my friends get cell phones. I knew these phones in their infancy, watched them grow old and die, only to be replaced by thinner, sleeker phones. And still I had nothing.

I lived in a world of perpetual ignorance, never knowing where that movie theater was without having written it down or asked someone before I left the house! For years, I had to survive being told that I could hang out with my friends if I could only call them after I got off the train. Many are the times I was given permission to run with this or that elite crew, but then denied when they discovered the startling absence around my belt area.

But I survived, and in time, I grew accustomed.

Then one day—this would be two days ago—I discovered some mysterious boxes. These boxes four, each held a cell phone, one phone for each member of my family. When these phones are activated, they glow with an unearthly radiance and fire their invisible rays into the sky. O, but what god could have devised such a wonder?


Honestly, though? It's pretty cool. Not a lot of features, not a lot of messy stuff. Just some solid metal and plastic, with a hint of acid (for batteries/emulsifier.) I guess you could say the secret ingredient is "electricity."

Thing is, I'm frightened of my phone. It dwells in a universe in which everything is for sale but it is never necessary to tell a man exactly when he has paid. Oh yes, the charges will appear on his monthly phone bill, but will his phone tell him? Will his phone tell him when he has paid to send a simple text message? Will his phone tell him when they have deducted minutes from his account just for calling his voice mail? Will a PHONE tell him what price he has paid to show pictures of his newborn daughter to its new grandparents? No.

We are given our phones and told to have a ball. They throw their slogans at us, asking us if we can "hear them now" or if we are "in." But to me, every second with this phone is a second that I may have accidentally bought something I didn't even want.

Tell me this, Verizon, how many peak minutes does it take to save your soul?


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (4) comments