HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

When people ask me why I don't have a girl friend, I usually tell them that I'm going for the world record. As far as I know, I'm winning. (2) comments

Does Christopher Walken need to be in more movies? Yes, probably, I think I'd probably say yes. I asked him. He also said "Yes," but it was two and a half syllables.

The two girls I like best of all are close friends with each other. They're like wildebeests! They travel in packs. They know I can't deal with that. It's like Double Dragon. Maybe I could take one at a time, but when they combine their fucking dragon powers or whatever? I didn't play the games or watch the show or the movie or anything, but I assume that they have fucking dragon powers. And I don't want them to be hurricane kicking me and nunchucking me and hitting me with their goddamned bo staffs of love and shit. Pow pow pow whatever etc.

I think nunchucking should be an olympic sport. I imagine it as a cross between the shot put and curling. But you know, obviously with nuns.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

REPORTER: So, Mr. Boll, the game BloodRayne is about a half-human, half-vampire assassin who fights Nazis and evil demons.
UWE BOLL: Jah.
REPORTER: You set it in 18th century Romania. Why did you decide to do this?
UWE BOLL: Vell, you see, in Germany ve are not believing in ze World War II.
REPORTER: So, your public stance is that there were no Nazis.
UWE BOLL: Nazi? Vhat is zat; some kind of fruit biscuit?


Uwe Boll seems to live in this bizarro fantasy world where the worse he makes a movie, and the less popular it is with its core fan base, the higher the demand for him gets. This is the man that made House of the Dead three years ago, and not only is he still allowed to live in this country, but he continues to get work regularly. In fact, big time movie producers actually ask him to direct more video game-based movies!

Let's take a look:

House of the Dead (2003): "To properly convey the jaw-dropping shoddiness of this videogame-based 'horror' 'movie,' one must approach what scientists call Absolute Stupid, a state previously thought to exist only under highly controlled laboratory conditions or at the highest levels of government." -Entertainment Weekly

Alone in the Dark (2005): "Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -Baltimore Sun

BloodRayne (2005): "How fitting that director Uwe Boll ('House of the Dead') would choose a vampire flick as his latest project - the man has a career that, despite the horror he continually inflicts on innocent moviegoers, simply will not die." -New York Daily News

THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU CALL A TRACK RECORD!

Hello big time movie producers! Everybody hates this guy! Don't you hate this guy? This guy is terrible! These three movies hold #18, #36 and #40 on the IMDb list of worst movies ever made. EVER! A lot of movies are out, it's hard to pick just 100. So, yeah, it makes perfect sense that he is currently scheduled to direct FIVE, that's FIVE (5) more video game movies.

You ever play Dungeon Siege? Wish they made a movie of it? Now you won't!

Are you a fan of Hunter: The Reckoning? I've got bad news!

Far Cry won a lot of Game of the Year awards. Intrigue and danger in a tropical paradise? Sounds like a movie begging to be set in a scary carnival!

Postal! A postal worker goes crazy and kills everybody. That will never translate to the big screen. Replace the "postal guy" with a talking dog from outer space. Gamers that shit!

Fear Effect? I don't know what that is. But it's gonna suck.


Nicky (is just so mad!)

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

Illinois, by Sufjan Stevens, may be the best sad make-out album I have ever heard. Not that I've heard the whole thing--it's an epic 22 songs. However, what I have heard has so much going for it as a sad make-out album that I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Sufjan Stevens, the singer/protagonist of this album combines angelic choirs, swooping orchestral arrangements, banjos, and accordions to get a unique (and yet highly Garden State-variety)sound. In addition, he has a soft, light, melancholy quality to his voice and sings about how someone got cancer. The general effect is that you want to cradle him in your arms and rock him very gently. At least, that's what I'm getting. I'm assuming this would be multiplied in most girls. Or maybe it's just me.

So, next time you've got a lady around at your house, or you are at her house, or you find a small CD player in the broom closet at your place of work, put this album on. But remember, this has to be sad make-out music. So if you're going for a playful make-out? Try something else. This is for that tender stuff that happens where some girl is crying for some reason, clutching her knees to her chest, and you kind of sit down next to her and put your arm around her shoulder, and she looks up at you tearfully. And you quietly take off her glasses and slowly lean down. Cue "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us" and you're pretty much there.

Of course, it can just be generally sad music. It can be crying in the bathroom stall music. It can be walking-away-from-your-emotionally-troubled-but-wildly-romantic lover-in-slow-motion music. It could be sitting-on-the-plane-and-looking-out-of-the window-wistfully-wondering-where-she-is-now music. It's pretty versatile.

Admitedly, not all of the music is the same caliber of sad indie situation quality. Whenever an extended accordion solo breaks out, you might want to turn that down just a little bit.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Just a quick heads-up to all you programmers over in Nintendo product development: a lot of us guys in marketing think you should really try to get that new system out on January 1st of next year. Cut some corners if you have to cuz we'll definitely make up in release-date sales what we lose in repeat customers. We could make a fortune selling "New Year's Revolutions." Think of the ad campaign! "Tired of breaking your New Year's resolutions? Here's something you'll NEVER want to break." Bam! Flash the Revolution controller, show a warrior swordfighting a naked vampire chick, you are good for the fiscal year. And you know what that means: big bonuses for everyone! Anyway, think on it, the head honchos have definitely got their eyes on you guys. I gotta give a shout out to Jerry in accounting for his help on the calculations. He makes those numbers fly! I look forward to seeing all you crazy characters at the quarterly Nintendo company picnic (especially Betty in Sales, but don't tell her ha ha ha!)

-The Nickster (1) comments