HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

But which planet, if I may ask, rhymes with Penis? (2) comments

They're an exuberant company. They deserve those exclamation points.

Have you heard of Yahoo! 360? I think it's some blogging service or something. It's hard for me to really get excited about a search engine that isn't Google these days, but my point is, 360. The bullshit has gone on long enough.

I know Microsoft has the kind of industry straddling influence of the Colossus of Rhodes, one foot on each side of a vast info-harbor. But rarely do the common people stop to consider the deleterious effects of sailing one's ship beneath the crotch of a bronze giant. My point, cumbersome historical references (and inaccuracies) aside, is that even though Microsoft has chosen this ridiculous title for their Xbox 360, it does not, by God mean that this has to become the next big buzzword on the market. Unlike "metrosexual," "blog," and "webcest," "360" already means something and does not require the promotion of a big company like Microsoft to bring it to the People.

Let us discuss what "360" means. Well, assuming we're referring to an amount of degrees in an angle, 360 is the amount of degrees in a full circle. Another noteworthy feature of "360" is that the sum of the angles in a quadrilateral equal 360 degrees.

But let's focus on the first usage and how it applies to cool buzzwords. Well, what's great about circles? They're nice and round. They're good for rolling around. Sometimes you can spin them around on your finger or hips, depending on size. They are the shape of LP records, which the Beatles actually used. They can even be juggled! Circles are great. They are the shape of a person's mouth when that person is surprised!

But now let us consider the rotationary element of "360." Usually when one uses degrees, they're talking about going places. So that's hip and cool. Everyone wants to go places! What if you want to go some place, and then get back home? Well, if it's a straight line, you can go there, then turn 180 degrees, and get back home safely, unless mauled by a bear or dinosaur. So, that's good. Or what if you get to a corner and you're not sure how much you need to turn to get around it? Well, you can turn 90 degrees and be on your way! Great! "So, where might you use '360?'" you might ask.

No where! Because if you're going somewhere, and you want to go somewhere, you can sure bet that turning 360 degrees is not going to alter your chances of getting there!


So, what is the point, Microsoft? Are you trying to imply that you have spun around in a circle and come out exactly the same? Or have you, like a comical super hero, spun around quickly and attracted various attractive articles of clothing to your body? Did you turn around halfway to survey the Nintendo Revolution trailing miles behind you, and then the rest of the way to find the Playstation 3 looming up ahead like the Hydra (whose throat must be sliced?) Or are you, smug company that you are, suggesting that this gaming device doesn't need to change direction and is, in fact, exactly where it needs to be? If so, why for Pete's sake, are you performing exactly one rotation? Why not have an Xbox 0, to indicate that you are still going straight forward?

Because Xbox 0 sounds stupid. Because 0 is less than 1. And no one wants to think that you haven't changed anything. I can imagine the conversation:

BOB: Hey Chuck, we need a snappy name for this new Xbox.
CHUCK: Let's call it the Ybox!
BOB: No, because you're an idiot.
CHUCK: Fuck you, Bob. You're going to make me miss lunch.
BOB: No, it's cool because we'll call it the Xbox 2.
CHUCK: No, Bob, because what about the Playstation 3?
BOB: I don't understand, Chuck.
CHUCK: Well, you see, Bob, 3 is bigger than 2. Gamers will be confused and they'll think the Playstation 3 is better.
BOB: Good point, chuck. Those guys are morons!
CHUCK: Say Bob, what's bigger than 3?
BOB: 360?
CHUCK: Egg-zactly, Bob.
BOB: I'm glad I went to the DeVry institute, Chuck!
CHUCK: Watch out, Bob, there's a bear or dinosaur behind you!
BOB: I knew that 180 was bad news!


Not to mention the cool Xtreme sports references you get in there. But that can backfire. Like, if they miss their release date, you could say that Microsoft "pulled a late 360." Or if their games are kind of lame, you could say they "pulled a stalefish 360."

I could go all day. Bluntslide. Benihana. FS Indy Darkside. Christ Air. So many possible applications that I don't care to explain to you right now. But I could. if I wanted to.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (18) comments

I don't spend a lot of time around drunk chicks.

But my cousin is here with her "girl friends" (I think that's what they're called) and they're 100% drunk. I can tell, because men have a built-in device that detects drunk bitchez.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

Well, I can't see much through my window, but based on the incredible noise that ripped me from my bed in the wee hours of the goddamn morning (10:56 AM), a construction crew is determined to tear up the road and replace it with some other, entirely different road. Whether this is meant to provide a smoother and more pleasant driving experience or if it's an ambitious New Deal-style plan to get people working again, given enough time, I will kill those mother fuckers.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

I knew it! In the old days, the dentists would give you a lollipop after your dental exam, for being a good boy. Back in the days before the Surgeon General got involved, the dentists "didn't know" that sugar was bad for your teeth. But we thought things were getting better. They haven't. They've just gotten more insidious.

Look around you, what do you see? "Sugar-free" gum! How do you know it's sugar-free? Does it taste sugar-free? It must cost millions of dollars to design something that tastes like sugar, but isn't. And if they really did? Everyone knows that stuff contains deadly chemicals, and WILL KILL YOU. So you have to go with the sugar. But that's not all. Look what I found.

It's called Johnson & Johnson EasySlide Pro: FreshMint Floss. My mom bought this, thinking it was ordinary, tooth-cleansing dental floss. What did we find? Spools of nylon death is what. Every sinister thread was covered with a thick coating of Mint flavoring! It's like brushing your teeth with Hershey's syrup.

Oh, we ALL know they could put apples on their dental floss instead, but who would buy that? Who's ever heard of dental floss with an apple on it! No one, that's who. And that's why the dental companies are ruling our lives.


Nicky!

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (1) comments

Please, take my somewhat protracted silence as an indication that all has gone well with the computer. (Virtually) every moment I spend on this computer has been dedicated to playing Half-Life 2, which I (tell no-one) pirated from Valve's own server. This game has me in its thrall, and whether or not I even like it has become irrelevant, because, like protagonist Gordon Freeman himself I've become stuck in a situation, and I must get out. Which is to say, I do like it. And I like the puzzles, because I have solved every one without consulting the mighty and magical internerd for advice. Abd what can I say? I looove physics. I got Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow and Prince of Persia: He's Angry! with my video card, but I've had scant time for them since I started playing the H to the L to the 2.

The computer itself is something of a dream. Leadtek's Winfast PX6600 GT video card provides great speeds, despite my attempts to kill it with overclocking. The Athlon 3000+ does my bidding, providing me the power I need to play stellar games. Which is far more than I can say for similarly-titled Outkast star André 3000.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (9) comments

It's Christmas time at El Casa de Nicky. (0) comments

They're here. One buy one the components arrived, marching in on oelephantine legs. They are mine to harness! RAMs, Optical Incineration Devices, and the dreaded Motherboard, they're all here. Under the protective dominion of The Processor, they shall rule the interverse!

But I'm stuck at work. And I need my dad to help me put this stuff together. Then I'll put my stuff together so I can go rule the interverse.

It's going to be fucking metal.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

The iBook is back up and running. I had to reinstall OS X. And yet, the old iBook is truly dead. Much like the second incarnation of Dream, this iBook the same in many ways, yet somehow different. Could it be a new naiveté? A willingness to learn and discover new things? And yet, a yearning, the sense that something has gone missing. Old forgotten remembrances bubble up to the surface. (4) comments

Apple continues to adapt and change in these strange and trying times! Finally, the joy of all PC users, the little one-button mouse which they so love to ridicule, has gone. In its stead, a new mouse that both conforms to the needs of multi-button jocks, while still sticking to the Apple Way of using technology to stage an international freak out! The one-button mouse is dead! Long live the one button-mouse!

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Bless my lucky stars! It would seem as if, somehow, this new generation of pretty, pretty games has helped ease Joe Designer's mind of mipmaps and vertex shaders, and allowed him to actually put some thought into making an interesting game. A malevolent alien being that encompasses a sun and abducts a Cherokee? Feuding near-future states united against monsters that emerge from the middle of the earth? Big-bossomed Half-vampire chicks with a taste for justice? Well, you can't win 'em all. But oh, how I do appreciate the bump-mapping.

But seriously, what is going on here?


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Man, I just love celebrities! I couldn't get enough of Beniffer! I love it when two shitty actors are converted, through sheer publicity, into one person with a shitty name! After Beniffer I thought, Oh damn, there go the last of the celebrity couples! But I was wrong! Refusing to be outdone, the tabloids have delivered unto us the hybrid beast known as Branjelina, a sexy, heartbreaking combination of Raisin Bran and Jello.

Thank God the Weekly World News continues to set tabloid standards with hot news people ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.

SEE Bush's Shocking Secret Tattoo (I'll give you a hint: he loves Mary Jane!)


THRILL in the World's Most Bizarre Sexual Practices! (one involving leprechauns!)

and BE VAGUELY OFFENDED BY THE African Tribe that Worships Salma Hayek's Breasts! (I believe it!)

This, my friends, is what it's all about.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

Have any of you cats played or seen the trailer for this crazy game Killer7? I know it's already out, but, whah. The whole game looks like it's cobbled together from mid-80s experiments in computer animation and old Toonami promotionals.


Nicky (1) comments

I ordered most of my computer components from a splendid website called Tigerdirect.
And looking at my invoice I noticed that, along with the Athlon 64 3000+ and the 1 GB of RAM, there was a little item called "Thank You For Ordering." Now, this says it has a charge of $0, but I don't quite trust that. What exactly is a "Thank You For Ordering"? Will it come in a cardboard box or an airtight plastic case? And more importantly, will I be paying shipping for this unexpected and entirely unwelcome "bonus"? Tigerdirect, you better get your act together, and next time I order, you better hold the "Thanks." (0) comments

Thank you, pop-up ad. I was just thinking to myself, "Man, I love screensavers... but they cost so much darn money! If only there were a way to get them for free!" And there you are!

Rampant pop-up ads are just one of the many benefits I can expect to enjoy, now that I will do the majority of my computing from a little system called "Windows XP."

My diehard fans will know that I am a Mac user, love Apple, would kill to sit at the right hand of my lord and savior Steve Jobs. My official statement for the past 16 years (yes, even when I was a baby) has gone something like this:

Apple is the company of the earth, the sun, and the sea. It is the fruit that nourishes, that giveth of joy and taketh of cash. Stable, as to a stone bury'd deep in the black soil, a tree whose roots are planted in UNIX. Microsoft is the tiny death that hides in the ear and whispers the darkthoughts, the plaguethoughts, the little deaththoughts that whittle away at system and mind until all that remains is the shell of man. Apple is the blood of life, soul of the Earth and of the Mother, and It shall not be forsaken.

My new official statement as of today is as follows:

Apple is the fruit of life, but its support for games is not so good. Microsoft is the little evil that should not enter the house, unless it can play every major game ever released. Then it's okay.

I know, I know, I'm shocked at this complete moral degradation on my part, but what can I say, you Rage against the machine 'til one day you wake up, and you're a Slave to the machine. And there's no more ragin', just cajun. And maybe a little... magin'. I expect my next move will be to trade in my khaki pants and cotton T-shirts for a nice tweed suit. Then I'll probably sell my parents' Toyota Prius, buy a Hummer2 and start talking about those "Big-Government liberals on Capitol Hill."

Yes, people that wear tweed suits frequentlybuy Hummers.

So indeed, the parts have been ordered, the credit has been approved, and all that is left is the critical UPS Man. I will keep you posted on this monstrous odyssey of guilt and longing through the days to come.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***


Eulogy For a Dear Friend:

In the days leading up to my online purchase of a series of new personal computer parts, my iBook began to, quite literally fall apart. The little rubber stabilizing feet started to fall off, the hook for hanging the adapter cord broke off. My laptop knew its last moments were at hand. On the final day of its prominence in my life, as I sped through pages of information, choosing RAM, processor and motherboard--much as a gleeful child dashes through a pet store, pointing giddily to thoroughbred pups as his faithful mutt sits abandoned in the corner--the pages loaded at a snail's pace. My computer dragged its digital feet through page after page of its own impending doom. Finally, minutes after the purchase, made from that very computer, my iBook crashed catastrophically. I have been unable to revive it since.

You show me an Apple computer, and I will show you a computer that can feel. Good bye you little rascal, you dear old mutt. You were more than a machine; you were a dear friend and companion in times of need. I'll see you when you're running on Intel.

R.I.P.
iBook G3 600Mhz
384 MB RAM
20 GB HD


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (8) comments