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Saturday, August 27, 2005

!!! ! !! !"Yahoo! 360" ! !! 

They're an exuberant company. They deserve those exclamation points.

Have you heard of Yahoo! 360? I think it's some blogging service or something. It's hard for me to really get excited about a search engine that isn't Google these days, but my point is, 360. The bullshit has gone on long enough.

I know Microsoft has the kind of industry straddling influence of the Colossus of Rhodes, one foot on each side of a vast info-harbor. But rarely do the common people stop to consider the deleterious effects of sailing one's ship beneath the crotch of a bronze giant. My point, cumbersome historical references (and inaccuracies) aside, is that even though Microsoft has chosen this ridiculous title for their Xbox 360, it does not, by God mean that this has to become the next big buzzword on the market. Unlike "metrosexual," "blog," and "webcest," "360" already means something and does not require the promotion of a big company like Microsoft to bring it to the People.

Let us discuss what "360" means. Well, assuming we're referring to an amount of degrees in an angle, 360 is the amount of degrees in a full circle. Another noteworthy feature of "360" is that the sum of the angles in a quadrilateral equal 360 degrees.

But let's focus on the first usage and how it applies to cool buzzwords. Well, what's great about circles? They're nice and round. They're good for rolling around. Sometimes you can spin them around on your finger or hips, depending on size. They are the shape of LP records, which the Beatles actually used. They can even be juggled! Circles are great. They are the shape of a person's mouth when that person is surprised!

But now let us consider the rotationary element of "360." Usually when one uses degrees, they're talking about going places. So that's hip and cool. Everyone wants to go places! What if you want to go some place, and then get back home? Well, if it's a straight line, you can go there, then turn 180 degrees, and get back home safely, unless mauled by a bear or dinosaur. So, that's good. Or what if you get to a corner and you're not sure how much you need to turn to get around it? Well, you can turn 90 degrees and be on your way! Great! "So, where might you use '360?'" you might ask.

No where! Because if you're going somewhere, and you want to go somewhere, you can sure bet that turning 360 degrees is not going to alter your chances of getting there!


So, what is the point, Microsoft? Are you trying to imply that you have spun around in a circle and come out exactly the same? Or have you, like a comical super hero, spun around quickly and attracted various attractive articles of clothing to your body? Did you turn around halfway to survey the Nintendo Revolution trailing miles behind you, and then the rest of the way to find the Playstation 3 looming up ahead like the Hydra (whose throat must be sliced?) Or are you, smug company that you are, suggesting that this gaming device doesn't need to change direction and is, in fact, exactly where it needs to be? If so, why for Pete's sake, are you performing exactly one rotation? Why not have an Xbox 0, to indicate that you are still going straight forward?

Because Xbox 0 sounds stupid. Because 0 is less than 1. And no one wants to think that you haven't changed anything. I can imagine the conversation:

BOB: Hey Chuck, we need a snappy name for this new Xbox.
CHUCK: Let's call it the Ybox!
BOB: No, because you're an idiot.
CHUCK: Fuck you, Bob. You're going to make me miss lunch.
BOB: No, it's cool because we'll call it the Xbox 2.
CHUCK: No, Bob, because what about the Playstation 3?
BOB: I don't understand, Chuck.
CHUCK: Well, you see, Bob, 3 is bigger than 2. Gamers will be confused and they'll think the Playstation 3 is better.
BOB: Good point, chuck. Those guys are morons!
CHUCK: Say Bob, what's bigger than 3?
BOB: 360?
CHUCK: Egg-zactly, Bob.
BOB: I'm glad I went to the DeVry institute, Chuck!
CHUCK: Watch out, Bob, there's a bear or dinosaur behind you!
BOB: I knew that 180 was bad news!


Not to mention the cool Xtreme sports references you get in there. But that can backfire. Like, if they miss their release date, you could say that Microsoft "pulled a late 360." Or if their games are kind of lame, you could say they "pulled a stalefish 360."

I could go all day. Bluntslide. Benihana. FS Indy Darkside. Christ Air. So many possible applications that I don't care to explain to you right now. But I could. if I wanted to.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer

Posted by: Nicky / 7:57 PM

18 Comments:

By the way, the PS3 will be much better than the Xbox Revolution.

By  Kalus, at 11:37 PM  

Good post but um... what's up with the random Tony Hawk trick references at the end? And the Colossus of Rhodes? Just weird. Come to South Salem. NOW.

By  Anonymous, at 4:19 AM  

Hey, Moron. The Tony Hawk references are there because of "360," because you spin around when you do tricks. Haven't you ever spun around quickly and told your friend you just did a 540? The Colossus of Rhodes, that's just cool. And I am in South Salem, except I'm leaving today so you totally missed your chance. Moron.

By  Nicky, at 11:06 AM  

Don't call me a moron. Notice the time I posted that comment. That's right, 4 fucking 19 in the morning. That's dedication my friend.

By  Anonymous, at 1:49 PM  

Screw you! I preorderd my xbox 360 and it is the video game messiah.

By  Anonymous, at 3:42 PM  

And you would be lucky jut to get into DeVry!

By  Anonymous, at 3:45 PM  

Video game messiah? Don't make me laugh. I've seen ps2 screen shots looking better than Xbox 360's, and Nicky will vouch for it.

By  Kalus, at 7:19 PM  

Lukas sucks. You've been voted off the island.

By  Anonymous, at 11:23 PM  

Hey Nicky, what's it like being alone in Brooklyn? Probably not like being over at Kosars.

By  Anonymous, at 11:24 PM  

How's WoW? Good? I thought so.

By  Anonymous, at 11:24 PM  

Penny-arcade blows!! That's right! I said it!

By  Anonymous, at 11:25 PM  

mmmmm pepsi

By  Anonymous, at 11:25 PM  

I gotta live on an island to find the juice

By  Anonymous, at 5:05 PM  

Ben, if you want to say something, I want you to try this idea:

-sit perfectly still for three minutes.
-allow the thoughts to formulate into sentences.
-DON'T WRITE THEM DOWN YET!
-When the thoughts stop coming, or at least slow down, you can start writing them.
-When your sure you're done, when you've shaken all the important thoughts off into the computer, you may post a comment.
-You're done! No more cluttering up my web page, fuckass!

By  Nicky, at 1:16 AM  

Ooh! Who's the big man now? I feel so hurt by the person without the balls to post his own name. Well Mr. Anonymous, I have news for you. Unless you're that person I know who likes to post anonymous comments, whom I will continue to leave anonymous, I have next to no respect to your words. Although I must admit, six comments within two minutes does require some form of determination though I'm only counting the insults to my name twice.

Nicky mentioned that responding to this would only solidify your belief that I am indeed a loser, but I'm willing to weigh my provoked retort against your six, probably twelve, comments, of which one read; 'mmmmm pepsi'... And in addition, if you were the person who posted at 4:19 in the morning, you obviously hold loyalty to Nicky in a high enough regard to acknowledge my rising to my defense through these pages as a relatively good thing.

Now listen, I may be wrong about who this is, but if I'm not, my vote is going to Ben Kagan, and we'll have to settle this score amongst the other users of this site. Let the tribe speak!

(I will humbly accept my defeat if I do indeed get the boot.)

By  Kalus, at 1:25 AM  

First and foremost I would like to concede that I, the poster am the aforementioned "Ben Kagan." However, when I wrote those posts I was not in my right mind. I was taunted, prodded and provoked by a certain "Kosar Bishop." He implanted evil thoughts into my mind and before I knew what I had done, these heinous crimes had been commited towards your inoccent blog. I humbly apologize for all emotional damage caused.

PS - Lukas fuck off :P

By  Anonymous, at 1:59 AM  

Damn, I see it's two against one,
Watch out, the war has just begun!

By  Kalus, at 8:38 PM  

Silly Ben. I am the puppet master. [face_yuri]

By  Anonymous, at 10:39 PM  

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