HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Prostitution! It can be the new toaster!

You know how banks are famous for giving away toasters when you open an account? Well, in places like Nevada where prostitution is legal, or Kentucky where it might as well be, or Thailand where it's mandatory, they should do that, with sex!

You know, "Open a free checking account, and you can do the saleswoman!" It's perfect. Sex sells, right? The implication behind the Coors commercial where the guy drinks a cold one and then the hot twins want to play beach volleyball with him and make out is saying, in fairly certain terms, "Buy our beer and you will get laid." Why not amp it up a little? "Buy our beer and we will send those twins over! Enjoy, but save some for the rest of us, ha ha ha!"

I'm a total genius.


Nicky

Electrostatic Mail! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

So there I am, working the 6-9 shift at Figeroux and Associates, plugging away for the benefit of prospective Congressman Chris Owens. And it's 8:00 PM: Break O'Clock.

I stop in at the CVS, which stands for CV Store, I believe, and look for a treat. After two hours in an air-conditioned office room, I want some baked goods like Mama made them--had Mama ever been the least bit interested in baking. Suddenly, Grandma stares up at me from a package of cookies. Those cookies are soft, soft like Grandma made them. Soft like my heart.

I pick them up and take them to the counter, savoring the softness, in my mind. I respond apologetically that No, I do not have a club card, I will be paying the full 50 cents.

As I leave the store and bite into the first cookie, trying to ignore the utter, utter artificiality of it all, a message on the plastic package catches my eye. "Guaranteed Fresh!" and then in smaller letters, "until the date marked on this package."

Did Grandma's Cookies just take credit for complying with food safety regulations? Of course they're guaranteed fresh until the expiration date. That is the definition of an expiration date! It gurantees that until one date, food will be fresh, and after that date, food will not be fresh. That's how it works! Make no mistake about it, that date on the cookies is there so that if you eat them too late, you can't sue Grandma!

Cover your ass, Grandma, just cover your ass.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (1) comments

Guys, guys, I was just at teh library with my moms and I saw this DVD, it was Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle: UNRATED EDITION! Guys!

You know what that means! It's the sexy Angels content that was TOO HOT FOR TV! Finally, I'll get to see the controversial "topless carwash fight" between Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and what's her name with the huge mouth! Cameron Diaz! I can't believe they just had this sitting there at the library where even little kids could see it! This is awesome. You wouldn't think they'd shoot a bunch of naked sex/fight scenes for a PG-13 movie. But it's the Unrated edition! That's like, guranteed nudity. Or at least another one and a half minutes of Bernie Mac doing his crazy thing. Or like, a Kid Rock music video that shows clips from the movie!

I'm still waiting on the special Unrated Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, where they finally show the, by now legendary, "Emma Watson blossomed breasts" scene. I can't believe they get that shit in the UK. Unfair!


Nicky Y.

Electric Mail: Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments

AAARRR! God, it's so sunny out. You'd think that for a guy like me at least they could get some rain on my funeral. Jesus Christ it was uncomfortable in there! You ever been buried six feet underground in a wooden box? It's not fun. What's that? It sounds like your last marriage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you've still got it! But seriously, your kid's looking kinda pale there, you should get that checked out.

You know, I didn't think I could survive in there for four days, but after the first couple of minutes it suddenly got much easier. Huh? Pulse? Oh, that's probably normal. I'm sure it'll come back. I just need to get warm. Why is it so god damn cold? Sunny day like this and I'm freezing my ass off.

Damn, this is a nice suit. Whose suit is this? This isn't my suit. I don't have any nice suits. I'm keeping it. Is there any... damn. I was hoping maybe someone ve left a twenty in the breast pocket. But nope, all I'm getting is dirt.


ANYhow, I've actually spent the past six weeks getting my learn on at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, a town famous for being the place where George Romero shot Night of the Living Dead. True fact: George Romero hired all nonprofessional actors for his ultra-low budget movie. For his zombie scenes, he actually just filmed Pittsburghers going about their daily business. True story. Pittsburgh sucks. And no matter how many Pittsburghers you kill, there's always more! And in the end, you just end up getting shot by the sheriff. Just because you're black. Oh come on, none of you have actually seen the movie? It's a classic!

I'm back in Brooklyn now, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. I've been working at a phone bank from 6-9 for the past three days. What's that you say? You're not quite sure what a phone bank is? Well, if you think a phone bank is where you go to deposit your telephones, then you're dead wrong! It's a place where friendly people, like me, call unfriendly people, like everyone else, and tell them things. For instance, I tell people that Chris Owens would make a nice congressman. You, or someone like you, might instead be asked to tell people that a Kenmore washer/dryer would make a nice, clean load of laundry. However, you would be wrong, because a washer/dryer can't make clothing, only wash and dry it. My point is, I'm doing okay here, and I'm maybe saving up to buy some more hardware for my computer so that I can buy new video games that simulate life so well you'd almost believe you have one.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer

P.S. If you are Lukas Fauset, congratulations! You are probably the first one to read this! (1) comments