HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Wow, I'm a jackass. Anyway, in order to establish a pattern of reviewing the third and final chapter of epic trilogies (ie. "Revolutions", which I reviewed earlier this year), I shall review "The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King"."Ooh, this should be good," I hear my fans whisper to each other. Which means no one is whispering "Ooh, this should be good." Maybe one person. From Minnesota.

Before I start this review, I'd like to enlist all of you in my scheme to alter the English language. If you pay attention to Mountain Dew ads and play Tony Hawk games, you'll notice that every negative adjective in the language is being gradually replaced with a positive meaning. For instance, "sick", "ill", "wicked", "crazy", "mad", the list goes on unto a predetermined point at which it stops. So, I propose that we all use the word "ghastly" in similar fashion. Wouldn't that be sick? Come on, it's not like anyone uses "ghastly" anyway. You could be like, "Man, that sk8r just pulled a wicked uber-ghastly 540!" And then they'd be like, "Impressive (clap, clap, clap)." Sure, people might be skeptical of the usage, but if they ask, simply tell them you saw it on an incredibly hip WB show, like "The O.C", or "One Tree Hill". On to the review.

To start, let me say, I liked "Return", but did not LOVE it. Now, everyone who just wanted my opinion, go home. Well, you know, leave the site. Whatever.

"Return" is epic. That's nice. No really, it is. It's really got some grand stuff in it, mostly the battles. When everyone was launching stuff at each other, brilliant. The spider was cool, but reminded me of that spider in the second Harry Potter movie. This one was a bit scarier, I'd say, but they both had merit.

The acting is way above that of say... The Matrix: Revolutions, as is everything else in the movie, which really pisses me off. I don't have much RAGE Fuel (It keeps you GOING!) for this review, and so it has to be shorter. Elijah Wood as Frodo is fine, but not very interesting. Sean Astin, who plays Samwise is quite good. Andy Serkis makes a phantasmagorical Gollum, and Ian McKellan is quite good too but seriously, who's surprised there? Everyone else was pretty good too.

Okay, now's the time when I highlight... highlights.

Scenes I liked:

When the orcs are all attacking Gondor and the Rohanians (or whatever) show up with all those horses and the orcs are like, "take the bihotches daaaoooowwwnnn!" And they all shoot all those arrows, and some of the horses fall and they flip and everything, and crush their riders. But then the rest of the guys get close and the orcs are like, "I want to go back to the slimey pod from whence I came." And then they just get totally torn apart and wasted. Ghastly.

When that guy's on fire and he jumps off the castle. That was so cool. It was seriously-fucking-majestic.

When those ships arrive and the orcs are like, "You fucking pirate-whores. About time" And then those hero guys pop out. I saw Aragorn and I was like, "He's so beautiful." I actually said that. But I was joking. I didn't applaud either. I DIDN'T. And then all the dead guys jumped out and ran across the water and I'm telling you, it was dead ghastly. And the orcs are like, "See the world, they said, meet new people..." and the dead people just sweep through them.

When they were fighting the Oelephants. Sweetness in a bucket. The way Legolas jumped on that Oelephant and swung all around and climbed and stuff. "He's like a pretty likkle squirrel, he is". That's what ran through my mind.

I also liked the way Legolas and Gimli counted their kills. "This is just like the videogame," I thought. They should have put a little counter in the corner of the screen and had a deep voice shout, "Excellent!", "Fair!"

And back to the Oelephants. It was granulated sweetness when it showed the dead guys just dogpiling that one oelephant. They climbed on top of each other and just pulled the oelephant down. That rocked my socks. Rocked them!

Also, was anyone reminded, rather strongly, of the Battle of Hoth, or whatever it was called, from Star Wars? You know, with those huge ATAT walkers. You know, "Aim for the legs!" It was just like that. I mean, they actually said that in both movies I think.

I'M DONE WITH THIS SECTION

One thing about this movie: there was a lot of male intimacy. I'm not saying there's a problem with that. All I'm saying is this is the most I've seen men crying, embracing, or kissing on screen since... well, never mind. But that's okay. I blame the women. There weren't any women around. All we got was that Arwen girl and the Eowyn, or however you spell that. And they weren't even so great to look at. I mean, they were fine, but, whatever.

I think Hugo Weaving was pretty good as that elf guy. I don't really remember, because I was so busy waiting for him to break character and say, "Goodbye, Mr. Ander�shit! Why do I keep DOING that!" But he didn't. Not even once. But it would have been cool if he fought, you know, really fast.

Okay, one more thing. I think this movie should have been called, "The Lord of the Rings: The Film That Would Not End". Because it wouldn't. It just went on and on. I mean, the movie is almost three and a half hours, and that's okay, long movies don't bother me; but I couldn't live with the uncertainty, you know? They destroy the ring. That could be the end, right? Is it over? It's over, right? The screen goes black. But NO! It's not over. So they coronate Aragorn. Woo! So... regal! Yay, it's over! But NO, it's not! So they go home to the shire, and enjoy themselves, is it over, no, Sam gets married, is it over, no, Frodo finishes his book but he's emotionally scarred is it over no they take Bilbo to go away with the elves and Frodo goes too isitoverno we see Sam return to his wife and children. Is it over? I think so! I can't actually remember, there were so many endings.

But, all in all, "Return" is a good movie, and you should all see it so you won't feel lonely when other people talk about it. And as opposed to "Revolutions", which you also should have seen by now even though it sucked, "Return" has many fine points and is quite enjoyable. And some of those fight scenes are truly ghastly.

Nicky

The email for the hemale: okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com (0) comments

Okay, hey everyone. How are all your holiday breaks going? Mine is fine.

That was pretty pathetic. Anyway, I have a "DeviantArt" account now, and with my Wacom Tablet (for drawing directly into the computer), scanner I got for Christmas, and drawing utensils, and Photoshop which I pirated off Limewire, I should be all set to churn out crappy artwork and share it with you. So, to begin, my first churnage can be found at http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/4402194/
Please, feel free to comment, either here or on the web page. Anyway, as always, I'll write again when inspiration strikes, or when I feel guilty enough.

Nicky

[Have you got holiday stories or humorous anecdotes from your winter break? Send 'em on down and I'll probably post them!]

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

Okay, this is sort of a post. It's mostly a placeholder until the next one. But it might be good anyway.

Okay, so basically, my English teacher, Ms. Bitchstenstein (okay that's not her name; her real name is Ms. Handwerker), decides we should get to learn how to do a 5-paragraph essay (actually I learned that in 6th grade. Fucker.) and complete it for tomorrow (Tuesday). It can be on anything, she says. If you try, you won't fail, she promises. Okay, I know. I don't fail English assignments. Well, I did once, last year. But then I redid it and got an A. Ho ho. Hey Mikey, remember that? I did that thing on Jurassic Park, with the diplodicus, or whatever. And I failed the assignment, and I started crying and stuff and Ms. Seddon took me out in the hall and she's like, "okay, you can write a review or something, of the book, and your other grade won't count".

Okay, okay, getting sidetracked. Anyway, she gives us the assignment, says it can be on anything. So I'm like, "fuck that". But in my universe that means I whisper it quietly to myself and then do the assignment anyway. So I did. It's done. But, I was feeling disgruntled, so I decided to write a total bullshit essay, proving that cheap chocolate makes a better gift than expensive. And by "cheap" and "expensive", I mean Hershey's and Godiva's, and if anyone (Ah-hem, Ben Kagan) wants to tell my Godiva's isn't expensive, he can just come down from his Pound Ridge castle and say it to my face. Anyway, against my wishes, this sort of did turn into a post. But here's my essay. That was the whole point. God damn it. I hope you realize this whole essay is basically a joke. But the ultimate joke is if she takes it seriously and likes it, and she's like, "Nicky could you read this to the class?" But that won't happen. Probably. Anyway, onto the email. I mean essay.


Throughout the world, expensive chocolate is considered an excellent gift. However, in actuality, cheap chocolate is a far better gift. For the sake of this argument the two chocolate brands compared are Godiva and Hershey’s, Godiva being “expensive” and Hershey’s being “cheap”. Hershey’s is a better gift, due to its affordable price, its delicious taste, and its unassuming nature.

Hershey’s chocolate is reasonably priced, and far cheaper than Godiva’s chocolate. While a box of Godiva’s chocolate containing nine “gourmet truffles” often sells for over $10.00, many Hershey’s kisses or chocolate bars can be bought for the same price. While the statement “quality over quantity” holds true in many areas, the casual chocolate fan (the intended of most chocolate gifts of all kinds) would prefer chocolate that lasts for several days, instead of just for a few hours. The inexpensive cost of Hershey’s chocolate is also ideal for the budgeted buyer, who cannot afford the prohibitive cost of Godiva’s chocolate. Surely the receiver of the gift would be uncomfortable receiving a gift that he or she knows is out of the buyer’s price range.

Hershey’s chocolate is also delicious. While it may not satisfy a chocolate connoisseur, it is enough to brighten many people’s days. Many people are not even particularly fond of expensive chocolate, finding it rich and overbearing and it does not travel well. Hershey’s chocolate, on the other hand, can be enjoyed at movies, sporting events, and almost anywhere else.

Hershey’s chocolate is an unassuming chocolate. Godiva’s, while well suited for romantic couples, may be considered pretentious by others. No one wants to feel like they’re getting a fancy gift; that can make people feel like the giver expects something in return. Godiva’s says, “I hope the cost of this gift will convince you I care”, while Hershey’s says, “It’s not much, but I hope you like it”. After all, it’s the thought that counts, not how much one pays. The question is, should the thought be, “Look at me, I can buy fancy chocolate,” or “please enjoy my humble offering”?

So, when it comes down to it, cheaper chocolate is the best. Close friends and casual acquaintances alike will realize the thought that went into buying the chocolate and they won’t be picky about fancy brand names. In the end, most people really don’t care.


Nicky (Bizorro, my Starcraft tag, shut up, I hate you all)

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

So, I had this orthodontists appointment today, right? Like, y'know, to get new thingamagigs on my braces. By the way, read the new Cosmopolitan; an article in there says braces: totally, sexy.

Actually, that's not true, as far as I know. I've never read Cosmopolitan. The rest is true though.

Anyway, on the way back from the orthodontist, I had to take the elevator from the 8th floor. So, I dinged the button, or I pressed it, really. And it came eventually, and I was hoping no one would be in it, because I wanted to try doing pullups on this little ledge right as the elevator accelerated downward. But I couldn't, because this guy was in there.

And that sucks, because some strange law of physics says that when two people are in an elevator, they immediately become socially inept automatons, capable only of staring at the buttons next to the door. What's with that, anyway? I guess it's an extension of the whole New York additude: you know, avoid eye contact and touching, and keep communication at its most perfunctory state. See, that's easy when you're on the subway, reading a book or playing Sub Hunt on you Palm Pilot, or if you're rushing to a power luncheon across town. But it gets suddenly harder when you're trapped with a stranger in a 6 by 6 box, moving in directions Man was... never meant to go.

So, as the elevator filled up at different floors, it became persistently harder to avoid eye contact, but somehow, we all did it. This rule is rather inconvenient and makes everyone vaguely uneasy. I bet in more sensical countries, like Canada or New Hampshire, they have a comfortable alternative. Perhaps they engage in light conversation about the various temperatures and precipitation of their village, or maybe they take a a fast-acting sedative, which puts them to sleep for those vital eleven seconds. And THAT'S like time travel. You get in the elevator, you take the pill, or the elevator is filled with sleeping gas, and you awake, and you're 25 stories higher up! Wouldn't that be great?

Anyway, I have history homework to do. Something about Muslims. Three of them, actually. See, these three Muslims walk into a bar. When they awake, they're 25 stories higher up!

Nicky

The E-MAIL, E-MAIL, E-MAIL, E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

Ouch! It hurts! What's happening to poor Nicky? Is he being attacked by a hungry leprauchan? Did Nicky accidentally swallow a vial of hydrochloric acid?

No! He's watching an episode of Saturday Night Live that he taped last night!

Yeah, anyway. SNL isn't good anymore. I'm sure you all know this. But, it is actually painful, to watch this show. I don't know why I'm watching it. It's like, they say something, and I'm like, "Gyuh!" They had this sketch thing on... actually, I don't remember. I must have blanked it out. But it was terrible.

Remember when SNL used to be funny? I don't. Because I wasn't alive when it was still funny. Or maybe I was, but I was very young. I've seen the repeats on Comedy Central, and they're much better. They're not that good, but they're sometimes funny. But they had real people on the show, not comedians that are really, really, bad. Remember Chris Rock? Remember Chris Farley, David Spade, Adam Sandler, even Chris Kattan? What about Will Ferrel? Come on! Oh yeah, but they've got uh... Jimmy Fallon! And uh... Tina Faye. I don't even know how to spell that. I mean, Tracy Morgan wasn't bad, but he's gone too. It's a real problem that all the good actors leave the show to get their own sitcoms and star in movies. Because, the the writing sure isn't going to compensate for the actors. There are ten thousand GOOD screenwriters out there; why do you have to choose the however many MOST MEDIOCRE writers in the United States? And, for God's sake, who was the executive that approved the sketch about those sopranos in the school choir who kept having competitions on who could sing the highest. Wow, Elijah Woods pretending to be a soprano in a school chorus? That's incredible.

And how can the audience clap along and cheer? Honestly, I think they do it out of pity. Because I know when I watch the show, I get this tight, unhappy feeling in my stomach, which in fact, has an unhappy tight feeling in its stomach, whose stomach, in fact, is filled with tiny, angry, Mexican jumping beans. And they're, uh, on fire.

Okay, I probably have to mention something about Sadaam being captured. Yeah, it took so long to capture Sadaam that... ah, fuck it. Yay, they caught him. But I thought we were supposed to find weapons of mass destruction and rebuild Iraq, not find Sadaam.

Also, I'd like to take a second to endorse my Favoritest Democratic candidate. That's right everyone, Dennis Kucinich. He's the most liberal of the bunch, with the best policies. Okay, look, I can't say I know that much about him, but my mom does, and she'll tell you a lot. Because, seriously, most kids don't really know politics; they just go along with what their parents tell them. Once again, I've forgotten my point. But I do know Dennis Kucinich is real cool. Some of you may not have heard of him. He is in fact, the least popular democratic candidate of all the... however many there are. I think that's mostly because most people haven't heard of him. The so-called "liberal" news NEVER mentions him. You know why he'll never win? He's too liberal, and FOX News is not going to mention him. So no one will ever hear of him, except for people that listen to 99.5 WBAI. Also, his name is hard to spell. I mean, I had to check on Google to spell it right. And I like the guy. Anyway, I gots to go. I'll try to update more, but I get tired. So, see ya.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

So Saddam has been captured. I can only say one thing. It's about damn time. I mean if you're going to remove a cruel dictator, at least catch him! If someone came and unseated me, I would want to kill them! That would anger me that they did that. So I think it was pretty stupid that it took them so long to find him. But he really wasn't the problem. THe real problem was Bin Laden! He's been free for 2 years! And you can't tell me that we're still looking for him. I mean, we are but probably with just a couple guys, a lot of our military is in Iraq! Jeez, Bush sucks. (0) comments

I just ate this little sandwich my dad brought home from a work meeting. It had some sort of pig meat in it, I think, which I generally don't eat. But it was there.

It had these big slices of French bread with really salty ham, and mozarella cheese, and a tiny piece of sundried tomato. It was so salty. So tasty. Anyway, bye. I may write more, one day.

Nicky

Oh, and if anyone wants to contribute regularly, write a message and I can make you a partner.

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com. (0) comments

I don't like losing. But there's some losing I can take better than others. Actually, I'm just talking about computer games right now. The thrill of being taken down in Unreal Tournament, only to come back seconds later and wreak havoc upon your opponent is actually exhilirating, while the slowly tightening, strangling, icy-fingered grasp of failure that one feels as his Zerg forces are decimated and reduced to ruin is a feeling of humiliation and despair that can only be alleviated by chocolate or cocaine. Neither of which is commonly found around my house. So I'm fucked.


Anyway, I've recently heard some comments to the effect that my blog isn't good anymore. They say, "All you do is curse and insult stuff."

I always assumed that's what my blog had always been about. But maybe I was wrong. I've been told that "You're not positive enough." Okay. I mean, I guess I could write an upbeat article. Maybe I will sometime. But it's really not my thing. If you've noticed my writing style, it sort of tends towards sarcasm. It's hard to be sarcastic about stuff you like.

"I love candy. The other day I was eating some candy and I was like, 'this is really good.' I mean, come on! When they were inventing candy, were they like, 'Hey, we should invent a sugary food that tastes really good!' Pff."

See, it's HARD. Anyway, if you agree with what some of my so-called "friends" have said about me, send an email or a Shout Out or something.

Oh, and by the way, if anyone ever writes anything, or wants to contribute an actual piece, instead of just a Shout Out, email me. I'll probably be happy to post it up.

Okay, you all know that email: Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.

Nicky (0) comments