HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Wow, I'm a jackass. Anyway, in order to establish a pattern of reviewing the third and final chapter of epic trilogies (ie. "Revolutions", which I reviewed earlier this year), I shall review "The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King"."Ooh, this should be good," I hear my fans whisper to each other. Which means no one is whispering "Ooh, this should be good." Maybe one person. From Minnesota.

Before I start this review, I'd like to enlist all of you in my scheme to alter the English language. If you pay attention to Mountain Dew ads and play Tony Hawk games, you'll notice that every negative adjective in the language is being gradually replaced with a positive meaning. For instance, "sick", "ill", "wicked", "crazy", "mad", the list goes on unto a predetermined point at which it stops. So, I propose that we all use the word "ghastly" in similar fashion. Wouldn't that be sick? Come on, it's not like anyone uses "ghastly" anyway. You could be like, "Man, that sk8r just pulled a wicked uber-ghastly 540!" And then they'd be like, "Impressive (clap, clap, clap)." Sure, people might be skeptical of the usage, but if they ask, simply tell them you saw it on an incredibly hip WB show, like "The O.C", or "One Tree Hill". On to the review.

To start, let me say, I liked "Return", but did not LOVE it. Now, everyone who just wanted my opinion, go home. Well, you know, leave the site. Whatever.

"Return" is epic. That's nice. No really, it is. It's really got some grand stuff in it, mostly the battles. When everyone was launching stuff at each other, brilliant. The spider was cool, but reminded me of that spider in the second Harry Potter movie. This one was a bit scarier, I'd say, but they both had merit.

The acting is way above that of say... The Matrix: Revolutions, as is everything else in the movie, which really pisses me off. I don't have much RAGE Fuel (It keeps you GOING!) for this review, and so it has to be shorter. Elijah Wood as Frodo is fine, but not very interesting. Sean Astin, who plays Samwise is quite good. Andy Serkis makes a phantasmagorical Gollum, and Ian McKellan is quite good too but seriously, who's surprised there? Everyone else was pretty good too.

Okay, now's the time when I highlight... highlights.

Scenes I liked:

When the orcs are all attacking Gondor and the Rohanians (or whatever) show up with all those horses and the orcs are like, "take the bihotches daaaoooowwwnnn!" And they all shoot all those arrows, and some of the horses fall and they flip and everything, and crush their riders. But then the rest of the guys get close and the orcs are like, "I want to go back to the slimey pod from whence I came." And then they just get totally torn apart and wasted. Ghastly.

When that guy's on fire and he jumps off the castle. That was so cool. It was seriously-fucking-majestic.

When those ships arrive and the orcs are like, "You fucking pirate-whores. About time" And then those hero guys pop out. I saw Aragorn and I was like, "He's so beautiful." I actually said that. But I was joking. I didn't applaud either. I DIDN'T. And then all the dead guys jumped out and ran across the water and I'm telling you, it was dead ghastly. And the orcs are like, "See the world, they said, meet new people..." and the dead people just sweep through them.

When they were fighting the Oelephants. Sweetness in a bucket. The way Legolas jumped on that Oelephant and swung all around and climbed and stuff. "He's like a pretty likkle squirrel, he is". That's what ran through my mind.

I also liked the way Legolas and Gimli counted their kills. "This is just like the videogame," I thought. They should have put a little counter in the corner of the screen and had a deep voice shout, "Excellent!", "Fair!"

And back to the Oelephants. It was granulated sweetness when it showed the dead guys just dogpiling that one oelephant. They climbed on top of each other and just pulled the oelephant down. That rocked my socks. Rocked them!

Also, was anyone reminded, rather strongly, of the Battle of Hoth, or whatever it was called, from Star Wars? You know, with those huge ATAT walkers. You know, "Aim for the legs!" It was just like that. I mean, they actually said that in both movies I think.

I'M DONE WITH THIS SECTION

One thing about this movie: there was a lot of male intimacy. I'm not saying there's a problem with that. All I'm saying is this is the most I've seen men crying, embracing, or kissing on screen since... well, never mind. But that's okay. I blame the women. There weren't any women around. All we got was that Arwen girl and the Eowyn, or however you spell that. And they weren't even so great to look at. I mean, they were fine, but, whatever.

I think Hugo Weaving was pretty good as that elf guy. I don't really remember, because I was so busy waiting for him to break character and say, "Goodbye, Mr. Ander�shit! Why do I keep DOING that!" But he didn't. Not even once. But it would have been cool if he fought, you know, really fast.

Okay, one more thing. I think this movie should have been called, "The Lord of the Rings: The Film That Would Not End". Because it wouldn't. It just went on and on. I mean, the movie is almost three and a half hours, and that's okay, long movies don't bother me; but I couldn't live with the uncertainty, you know? They destroy the ring. That could be the end, right? Is it over? It's over, right? The screen goes black. But NO! It's not over. So they coronate Aragorn. Woo! So... regal! Yay, it's over! But NO, it's not! So they go home to the shire, and enjoy themselves, is it over, no, Sam gets married, is it over, no, Frodo finishes his book but he's emotionally scarred is it over no they take Bilbo to go away with the elves and Frodo goes too isitoverno we see Sam return to his wife and children. Is it over? I think so! I can't actually remember, there were so many endings.

But, all in all, "Return" is a good movie, and you should all see it so you won't feel lonely when other people talk about it. And as opposed to "Revolutions", which you also should have seen by now even though it sucked, "Return" has many fine points and is quite enjoyable. And some of those fight scenes are truly ghastly.

Nicky

The email for the hemale: okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com