HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Okay, this is sort of a post. It's mostly a placeholder until the next one. But it might be good anyway.

Okay, so basically, my English teacher, Ms. Bitchstenstein (okay that's not her name; her real name is Ms. Handwerker), decides we should get to learn how to do a 5-paragraph essay (actually I learned that in 6th grade. Fucker.) and complete it for tomorrow (Tuesday). It can be on anything, she says. If you try, you won't fail, she promises. Okay, I know. I don't fail English assignments. Well, I did once, last year. But then I redid it and got an A. Ho ho. Hey Mikey, remember that? I did that thing on Jurassic Park, with the diplodicus, or whatever. And I failed the assignment, and I started crying and stuff and Ms. Seddon took me out in the hall and she's like, "okay, you can write a review or something, of the book, and your other grade won't count".

Okay, okay, getting sidetracked. Anyway, she gives us the assignment, says it can be on anything. So I'm like, "fuck that". But in my universe that means I whisper it quietly to myself and then do the assignment anyway. So I did. It's done. But, I was feeling disgruntled, so I decided to write a total bullshit essay, proving that cheap chocolate makes a better gift than expensive. And by "cheap" and "expensive", I mean Hershey's and Godiva's, and if anyone (Ah-hem, Ben Kagan) wants to tell my Godiva's isn't expensive, he can just come down from his Pound Ridge castle and say it to my face. Anyway, against my wishes, this sort of did turn into a post. But here's my essay. That was the whole point. God damn it. I hope you realize this whole essay is basically a joke. But the ultimate joke is if she takes it seriously and likes it, and she's like, "Nicky could you read this to the class?" But that won't happen. Probably. Anyway, onto the email. I mean essay.


Throughout the world, expensive chocolate is considered an excellent gift. However, in actuality, cheap chocolate is a far better gift. For the sake of this argument the two chocolate brands compared are Godiva and Hershey’s, Godiva being “expensive” and Hershey’s being “cheap”. Hershey’s is a better gift, due to its affordable price, its delicious taste, and its unassuming nature.

Hershey’s chocolate is reasonably priced, and far cheaper than Godiva’s chocolate. While a box of Godiva’s chocolate containing nine “gourmet truffles” often sells for over $10.00, many Hershey’s kisses or chocolate bars can be bought for the same price. While the statement “quality over quantity” holds true in many areas, the casual chocolate fan (the intended of most chocolate gifts of all kinds) would prefer chocolate that lasts for several days, instead of just for a few hours. The inexpensive cost of Hershey’s chocolate is also ideal for the budgeted buyer, who cannot afford the prohibitive cost of Godiva’s chocolate. Surely the receiver of the gift would be uncomfortable receiving a gift that he or she knows is out of the buyer’s price range.

Hershey’s chocolate is also delicious. While it may not satisfy a chocolate connoisseur, it is enough to brighten many people’s days. Many people are not even particularly fond of expensive chocolate, finding it rich and overbearing and it does not travel well. Hershey’s chocolate, on the other hand, can be enjoyed at movies, sporting events, and almost anywhere else.

Hershey’s chocolate is an unassuming chocolate. Godiva’s, while well suited for romantic couples, may be considered pretentious by others. No one wants to feel like they’re getting a fancy gift; that can make people feel like the giver expects something in return. Godiva’s says, “I hope the cost of this gift will convince you I care”, while Hershey’s says, “It’s not much, but I hope you like it”. After all, it’s the thought that counts, not how much one pays. The question is, should the thought be, “Look at me, I can buy fancy chocolate,” or “please enjoy my humble offering”?

So, when it comes down to it, cheaper chocolate is the best. Close friends and casual acquaintances alike will realize the thought that went into buying the chocolate and they won’t be picky about fancy brand names. In the end, most people really don’t care.


Nicky (Bizorro, my Starcraft tag, shut up, I hate you all)

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.