HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Maybe you've heard of The Office, the hit sitcom? The British one? It's one a few big awards in their. Maybe not? Britain is, like, pretty small. Not a lot goes on there.

No really, it's a great show. I like it a lot, because it's one of the few TV shows that draws humor from situations that in no way could be considered funny if they weren't actually recorded.

Anyway, if you've missed The Office on DVD or BBC cable, you can catch the American version on NBC. The idea is, they take the show and most of the characters, and change the setting to America, changing some jokes to suit American-speaking audiences.

Maybe this sounds like a good idea to you, but that's because you crazy. Imagine for a moment that you have known a group of people for a couple of years, okay? Suddenly, they change their names, look different, have different accents, and act just a little bit differently. It's frightening.

And they took out the best character, Gareth, the emaciated, ghoul-like loser who sexually harasses every woman he meets. He's pretty much the most delightful person I've ever met. I guess they thought he was too obscene and awesome for NBC.

They also took the only two characters that are more or less decent people, and made them younger and more attractive for some reason. That bothers me. It's cool that no one in the British show is very good-looking. More realistic, you know? Good people can be ugly too.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

I just wanted to make that pun.

But really, you seen the ads for "A Current Affair", that bullshit "TV news magazine"? The ones where they're like, "Draw a line in the sand, we'll cross it. Put up a fight, we'll welcome it." Great, that's just what America needs. Another confrontational "news" show where "reporters" tell gruesome or frivolous tales and harass people. Even worse, they seem to have canceled one of the two daily episodes of the Simpsons that I rely on to get through my day. It's disgusting.

This is worse than the time they canceled the Simpsons to show that Reagan procession thing. It makes me sick.

But I'm watching it now, watching it for you, watching it so I can report. And, if Americans aren't total morons, which I'm actually pretty sure they are, this will get canceled faster than you can say, I don't know... "canceled". It's just dumb bullshit, stupid bullshit, bullshit hosted by some dumb, stupid, moron idiot named Tim Green. I am honestly surprised that this man can read the teleprompter.

Unbelievable.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

Damn you, John Stamos, and damn your stupid new show. I don't even like Desperate Housewives that much, but I'd prefer if you don't replace it, even for one week, with your bullshit show. John Stamos, who cares about you? Just because you were in Full House doesn't mean you're cool. In fact, you're uncool. If you were an accountant and this was your first role, I might respect you for your pluck and grit. But NO, YOU'RE John Stamos.

Also, Sin City is teasing me. It must be terrible. It must be! Nothing that looks so cool could be good. Inexplicably black and white movies are awesome, inexplicably black and white movies with inexplicable dashes of color are even cooler. Girls with swords, who attack people in slow motion are awesome. Ominous black men with deep voices are cool. The music is cool. Everything Is Cool. I can't allow myself to be drawn in. It's going to suck. It's going to suck.

After the Matrix Reloaded, I swore to myself that I would never fall for another movie. But I can't help what my heart wants.

The most frightening thing is, I see things in the movie that don't even look so good, and I'm still compelled to watch the trailer again. Bruce Willis is in it with a big ol' fake scar. Josh Hartnett's in it. I thought his career was safely hidden beneath layers of dirt and grime, buried three miles beneath the Arizona desert. And Nick Stahl is a scary yellow man. And Jessica Alba is playing another stripper. She was a stripper in that movie Honey, right? Yes? No? I don't know.

On the other hand, Rory Gilmore, I mean Alexis Bledel is totally rocking the forehead. That's hot. Ooh, ooh! She throws swastikas. At people. Do you understand what that means? It means... that... it's hot.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (3) comments

I don't have much time here, but I was just thinking about Bruce Willis. He's been around for years, he's been in several very popular movies, but does anyone really love him? Do they even like him? What's his value in this world? He's not recognized for his skill in drama, his comic potential is also mainly unrealized. I mean, what does he do? It seems that every two years he comes out with an action movie that tries desperately to retread his success in the Die Hard movies from 20 years ago. Every once in a while he stars in some sort of family comedy. The Sixth Sense was good, but that wasn't really his movie anyway. What is Bruce Willis good for?


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

I finally saw Constantine today. It was strangely awesome. Well, not strangely. And not awesome either. Good, though. Enjoyable. Keanu Reeves perfectly embodied John Constantine, a man who apparently, bears no resemblance to the John Constantine from the original comic. The comic, which I've been told is called Hellblazer, stars John Constantine, a cool Brit with spiky blond hair. The movie's Constantine is a dark, mopey guy with lung cancer who keeps whining about how he deserves to go to heaven.

But, you gotta feel sorry for the guy. After all, Hell wants him, Heaven won't take him, and Earth needs him!

The movie was actually pretty close to my idea of a good, or at least entertaining movie (these things are similar in my mind, because they are both difficult to find). It's got demons, androgynous angels, a Mexican anti-Christ (sort of), aimless theology, and a big revolver shaped like a cross. It's also got a sense of humor. Not a major one, but after seeing what happened to the Matrix series, I'm glad to see Mr. Reeves in a movie that occasionally takes a breath between its bouts of self-important grandiosity.

Which brings me to Keanu's rapidly emerging Jesus complex. This will be apparent to anyone that's seen both The Matrix Revolutions and Constantine, as there is one very noticeable scene towards the end of both movies. You know what I'm talking about. Not to mention of course, that he continues to play a guy who has to save the world from the ravages of great evil and stuff. It's good work if you can get it.


But I also saw another movie this weekend. It's called, "Drunken Master." Some of you are vigorously nodding in recognition—I see you! Drunken Master was Jackie Chan's first real hit movie. He had one before it, but this is the one that assured his stardom. It's the rightenest, fightenest movie ever. He plays young Wong Fei Hung (or Freddy Wong if you want to be a dick and watch a bad dub), who must learn the "drunken fist" style to defeat his most dangerous adversary ever! It's awesome. Any of you that've seen Jackie Chan's Hollywood movies might not get the whole deal about him. That's either because you suck and don't like awesome stuff, or because his American movies are watered down bullshit. If you want to see hardcore Jackie, The Chanster at his best, look to his Hong Kong films. But listen to this, and listen good: the movie I'm talking about is just "Drunken Master," not "Legend of the Drunken Master," which came out in America a few weeks ago. I think this movie is better, but they're both good. Only in an Asian film will you see fight scenes that go on for upwards of ten, fifteen minutes when they have to (which is surprisingly frequently.)


In conclusion, you want something new and cool, check out Constantine.
You want something old and awesome, check out Drunken Master, also known as Drunken Monkey in a Tiger's Eye.



Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (2) comments

I came up with a great idea for a new reality show. It's called "Soul Sale." Basically, it's a contest between 16 contestants, where the contestant who causes the most physical and psychological trauma to the others wins. Personally, I think it's a great leap forward for the world of reality television. It shifts the emphasis away from the superficial concept of completing tasks with cruelty and manipulation as a peripheral benefit, and makes abuse the actual center of the show. That way, they'll be able to pack so much more suffering into a single episode that no one will be able to resist. It will be like watching three or four hours of any other reality show.

I also had an idea where the hosts of various reality shows are put on an island and forced to survive by performing the very activities that their contestants once endured. For instance, one event would be singing. But to spice it up, they would have to sing while dangling upside down in a burning steel cage. The objective would be to pick the cage's lock with your teeth by the time you had finished singing "A Whole New World." It would be very tense, but millions would tune in weekly for the chance to see Ryan Seacrest covered in malaria-carrying leeches.

Does anyone know Fox's number? I think they would be very interested in my ideas.


Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer (0) comments