HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Why do I subject myself to this show? Every few weeks I come back, hoping it will be funny. But it's not. It just isn't.

So, as I watch this show, I wonder to myself: if I shot Lorne Michaels, in the face, would they cancel the show or would it get funnier?

Here's what would make the show better; I have compiled a list.

1. Good writers.
2. Good actors.
3. Cut off half an hour; we know that's all filler.
4. Nudity.
5. Hot meals, transmittable through the television screen.
6. No more people! Replace all actors with bunnies or robots or a reasonable amalgam of the two.
7. Shoot the writers on stage, because their suffering will bring me pleasure.
8. What the fuck were you thinking, hiring these people? They're not writers! I don't know if they're even people!
9. For fucks sake! They should force the writers to read their own scripts. In shame, the writers will commit seppuku, thus completely circumventing step 6.
10. Hire writers who know what the fuck they're doing.
11. Do whatever else it takes so I won't have to decide whether gay Frankenstein or a grotesquely overweight rapper is the funniest sketch in the show.

And what happened to Eminem? He's on tonight's show and I was all like, "Krunk yo, Eminem be my dawg." But this new shit he's doing is all like, shit. Eminem used to be ABOUT stuff! Poverty, his deficient mother, killing his wife, his own raging homophobia, and how his skills outrank ours by a matter of several decimal points. Now it's like, "I like girls, girls are cool, girlies make me split my pants."

I don't need this shit. I know you like girls. What about all that shit about how having a daughter made you all sensitive and shit? Or if you want to go the other way, you could at least pretend to be controversial. Start writing ambiguously homo-erotic songs and just watch your press coverage soar. Suddenly, all the people that accused you of being a bigoted homophobic jerk will support you for releasing your "inner queer." And all the people that used to take your crazy lyrics seriously, even going so far as to agree with you and cite you as an "expert" will suddenly be saying, "Oh no: faygot! Damn the liberal media!" You'll be a hot topic, and all the rage again! And because these are AMBIGUOUSLY gay songs, you can always deny them, or insist that they were written ironically. You can't lose! Hell, you can even go on to tell reporters that you in fact, HATE FAGS, but then "accidentally" have a few pictures taken of you being a little bit too pally with your sworn rival Moby, thus ensuring you time in the spotlight indefinitely. This cycle could continue for years, while entire new generations of avid fans or detractors buy your CDs, analyze them closely, and conduct lengthy flame wars on message boards.

I think I'm some kind of genius.

Long story short, cancel SNL and replace it with something funny.

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer