HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

The News still sucks. There I was happily watching the Simpsons at some time after 7:00, and BAM! "We interrupt this show with a special FOX 5 report. The NBC 4 News copter crashed in Flatbush, Brooklyn."

Okay, admittedly, that kind of thing is useful to know, especially since I live kind of near there. But, then they had another feature about it on the 10:00 News, which must have been 10 minutes long. And then they had an interview with a pilot who survived a news copter crash five years ago or whatever. I'm sorry, what? If you want to do a human interest story or talk about news helicopter malfunctions of the past 10 years, do a special on cable. I don't have cable, so what do I care. But please, don't waste my time.

Anyway, besides the obvious conclusion that the News is a shameful mockery of the original concept, I thought it was kind of funny. I mean, there was an obvious subtext: the rivalry between FOX and NBC is palpable. I could see through the newscaster's concerned intonations: he was saying, "NBC pilots can't fly. Ha! They can't fly and we can! When do you ever hear of any FOX copters crashing? Huh? Huh? When? They were probably drinking in that news helicopter."

On a different note, we had to write this radio script for one of my drama classes to be performed in the fashion of a radio show. Isn't that cool? Anyway, it was theoretically a "group effort" but it kind of came to be a "me" effort, not entirely through the neglect of others. I just sort of thought I was the most qualified man for the job. Which doesn't mean I'm great, just the best out of five people. Anyway, I've got the script typed up. I figure some people will want to read it; the people with almost as much free time as I have. The script starts out pretty well, but in my opinion, the quality of the prose degrades after a bit, so you can stop if you want. Here:

The News still sucks. There I was happily watching the Simpsons at some time after 7:00, and BAM! "We interrupt this show with a special FOX 5 report. The NBC 4 News copter crashed in Flatbush, Brooklyn."

Okay, admittedly, that kind of thing is useful to know, especially since I live kind of near there. But, then they had another feature about it on the 10:00 News, which must have been 10 minutes long. And then they had an interview with a pilot who survived a news copter crash five years ago or whatever. I'm sorry, what? If you want to do a human interest story or talk about news helicopter malfunctions of the past 10 years, do a special on cable. I don't have cable, so what do I care. But please, don't waste my time.

Anyway, besides the obvious conclusion that the News is a shameful mockery of the original concept, I thought it was kind of funny. I mean, there was an obvious subtext: the rivalry between FOX and NBC is palpable. I could see through the newscaster's concerned intonations: he was saying, "NBC pilots can't fly. Ha! They can't fly and we can! When do you ever hear of any FOX copters crashing? Huh? Huh? When? They were probably drinking in that news helicopter."

On second thought, y'all can't handle that much text at once. I'll just give you the first little bit; it's naturally divided into cliffhangers and such anyway. The rest will follow over the course of some amount of posts.

Nicky

AIM: Jake Aimer
MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.


Rex Walker: Private Eye

1

Dame: [sexy!] So, Rex, did you find any information about my husband?

Rex: Well, that’s a funny story...

Rex narrating (RN): The name’s Rex. I’m a private eye. I’m not a big time kind of detective, I’m just a guy who sees more missing cat and cheating spouse cases than anybody ever needs to. Still, it ain’t an easy job: you can go days without a case, sitting at your desk with a bottle of scotch, and sometimes you get the kind of case that makes being bored sound exciting. Every once in a while, though, you get something different. This was one of those times.
It was a cold day, with a blinding wind that made the branches rattle against my window like a Buddhist monk raking in his pebble garden. I was relaxing at my desk, trying to catch some sleep—the cases I take have a way of spending all my evening time—when she burst in. The dame was all legs, at least from her ankles to her hips, and the look she gave me could turn sand into glass.

Dame: Hey, are you a private eye?

Rex: That’s what it says on the door.

RN: Her name was Maxine and she thought her husband was cheating on her. Sometimes the gorgeous ones can be so insecure. I woulda told her I’d do the job for free, but then I remembered it would be better if she paid me. I took the case. It seemed like it was just up my alley, and it’s not like I had a lot else to do. And those trees knocking on my window were slowly driving me nuts.

2

RN: The clock struck twelve, and I was happy for those precious minutes I’d spent sleeping at my desk. I had been following the dame’s husband around all day, and I hadn’t seen anything too suspicious, barring those 20 minutes he spent in the bathroom at work. He was a scruffy, nervous type. He kept glancing skittishly around like some coked-up weasel. He stepped into a bar and I followed him. Inside it was dank and grimy, the way all good bars are. The fellow immediately stepped into the bar bathroom and I got a little worried for the state of his bladder. I figured I had a moment to get myself a drink; he wasn’t going anywhere.
Rex: Hey barkeep, pass me a shot of Jack Daniels.

Thelonius Pinkeroy (Barkeep): No problem, Rex. (glass slides down table.)

Rex: Thanks. Mm... that goes down smooth, like only Jack Daniels can. You just can’t beat that Jack Daniels taste.

Barkeep: Sure thing!

RN: I got up. I’d taken enough of a break and I don’t like to drink too much while I’m on the case. I walked up to the bathroom, and listened for suspicious sounds. Suddenly, I heard a wheel turn, screeching like a wounded cat, and then I heard strange mechanical sounds (mechanical sounds are heard.) I knocked on the door (knock), but no one was home, so I stepped into the bathroom to investigate. And I saw something I didn’t expect.

3

RN: The man was gone! Something crazy is going on here, I thought to myself. I knew it wasn’t ghosts though. It’s never ghosts. Not real ones, anyway. There’s got to be a hidden door! I said. I looked around for a switch or a knob. I tried the toilet (flushing sound), but that didn’t accomplish anything... nothing that I wanted, anyway. The sink was fine too. But then, I looked down at the pipes on the sink, and I saw a valve. I turned it (screech!) and suddenly, the wall popped out, just a little (glunk.) I pulled on the wall (creak), and behind it was a dark staircase, the kind you might take to get to hell. There was only one way to find out what the lady’s husband was up to. I took the stairs.

4

Underground, it was dark and cold. Water dripped from the ceiling (drip, drip.) I crept along the corridors, until I saw a dim light around the corner, and I heard voices. I peeked around the corner and listened, the way an owl listens for a field mouse.

Husband: Look, I ain’t goin’ back to no prison! Let’s gimme my money so I can get outa here!

Rex (whispers to himself): It’s that rotten husband, Jimmy!

German: You’ll get your money. Have you the plutonium?

Husband: Yeah! I got it! I don’t come down to no dank corridors for no social visits.

RN: He was talking to a German man. The German’s uniform made it clear he was a Nazi, someone high up too.
Rex: This case just. Got. Interesting.