HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Perhaps the title did not correctly demonstrate the extent of rage. But at least I'm comfortable. Comfortable and furious.

The Swan.


No.


Come on! Really! Jesus-fucking-christ! Okay, I know it's already been on for a few weeks, but I just haven't become enraged enough to write about it. Which is surprising, considering how eagerly I wrote about Joe Millionaire 2 before it even started. This is, clearly, far more offensive.

Honestly, do they have a team of people in the janitors' closet at FOX (which is where their most popular shows come from) that is dedicated to embracing America's most offensive ideals?

It's a show that appears to be a desperate attempt to one-up Extreme Makeovers, or whatever that show is. It's basically saying, "these people are ugly. We will make them pretty and then everyone will love them. Right? Yes. Exactly." It's like, "You're so ugly we can only show you on network television for brief periods of time before making you look attractive." To reiterate my point, here is a brief performance, put on by the East Idaho Players.

Ugly Duckling: Aren't I ugly?
Plastic Man: Good God! Why are you on TV?
UD: So you can give me massive plastic surgery and make me pretty.
PM: Can we suck out your soul and all that makes you human?
UD: In exchange for the chance of physical beauty and a cash dollars prize? Sure!
PM: Wow. AND I get to draw dotted lines on your tummy!
UD: Right. This conversation is going nowhere.
PM: I love this job.

Urgh. I'm filled with impotent rage. That means my rage can't get it up. Rage's wife, Envy tells it that it happens to everyone, except maybe that handsome stud, Cockiness.

Hah. Cockiness. I amuse myself with my own wit. That's sad. There are surely better people with whose wit I may amuse myself.

That brings me to my next point: no one ever mentions Kentucky! I mean, I've gone months, years maybe, without thinking about Kentucky or remembering that it's a state. It IS a state, right? It has a capital and stuff? I really can't remember. I got 150% on my US states test just two years ago! Madison, Wisconsin! See? Shit. I can't think of any state that springs less easily to my mind than Kentucky. Well, Wyoming is close, but not as close. And, I mean, I see KFC, but I don't think, "The 'K' stands for a state." I just don't. It is very bizarre.

And what's with this new American Idol-like show? The one where they only promote the worst singers? Sure, that's amusing, up to a point. But what happens when, imbued with their new self-confidence, they all try to make records and star in movies that would be terrible even if they could sing? It will be terrible, for us and for their self-esteem. We'll have unleashed an army of William Hung clones, except by then it will be old and the public will swat at them and shoo them away, banishing them to search through dumpsters in back alleys, like stray, untalented cats.

Is that what you want, America?

Nicky

Aim: Jake Aimer
MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.