HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Hey, do you remember those action figures we all used to buy back in the mid-to-late 90s? Man, those were the golden years. We had Clinton in the White House, nerdy guys with bad hair and thick glasses were making millions, and we all had cool action figures.

Remember Power Rangers? Kick ass! No, not the new Power Rangers: Dino Playtime or whatever it is these days, I mean the original, hardcore Rangers. Sure, maybe the Black Ranger got kicked off the show before his time, taking with him his Mastadon Zord and his axe that turned into a gun, but it was a great show. Next to the Ninja Turtles cartoon, I'd say Power Rangers was my first introduction to the miracle that is choreographed violence.

And it always followed the same awesome formula: some stuff happens with the Rangers, going about their lives. Maybe Jason lifts some weights and sets some sort of record, or Zach, the Black Ranger, busts out some hip-hop moves. Maybe Kimberly flounces around and acts like a Pink Ranger, whatever. Then Rita's like, "No! No fun!" And she takes an ordinary household object, like a can of Axe, and turns it into a monster, some kind of deodorizing creature that sprays the Power Rangers with an overwhelming scent they are unable to escape from all day. But the Power Rangers band together, and somehow, all five of them defeat it. But first something happens that causes things to explode, showering sparks and making them jump backwards in a manner that is meant to indicate being thrown violently from a blast. Oh, I forgot the PUTTY! Those gray fellows were awesome. Okay, before the monster, the Putty come down there for no reason, get kicked in the face, ass, and testicular region, and disappear. That's what we in the industry call, a "time killer." Okay, after the Power Rangers defeat the monster, and make some doubtlessly witty comment, we would surely laugh at if only if it hadn't been muffled by your mask, Billy, Rita gets angry, goes, "Make my monster GROW!" and throws a ball at it. Pouf, the ball explodes, the monster grows, the Power Rangers go, What an unexpected turn of events! They get in their Zords, which are of course individual creatures, but they never seem to notice because they always go directly into the Megazord. Which means it's time to kill some poor monster and destroy Tokyo. Or Kentucky. Wherever the hell they lived, I don't remember. I don't think they knew either. I guess they went straight to the Megazord without using their individual Zords because a Triceratops-shaped leg segment is not the coolest looking vehicle in town. Not what you'd call a chick magnet.

Billy: Hey Babes, I may be a brilliant nerd who is inexplicably still in high school despite the fact that I am clearly about 30 years old, but I've got a nice ride. Come on, don't you want to take a ride in the Love-osaur?

I'm thinking not. Oh, and Tommy! How does he all fit into this? Tommy the Green Ranger, but he was EVIL! Because Green is EVIL (don't ask me; I don't write this stuff.) But then he became the White Ranger, and he was good. Oh, I see... "White" means good. Way to go Bandai, you racist Japanese people. Tommy was a dreamboat. Oh man, he had that long hair, and that tiger sword. What was that? It was a white sword with this tiny, white tiger's head on the hilt. And it's mouth moved. I don't know if it was saying shit, telling Tommy jokes or whatever, but it was cool.

So, after about three seasons, the tiger took over the show, flew to the moon, killed Rita and that wiley Dr. Zedd, then enslaved all of mankind.

What do I know? I stopped watching when the Power Rangers decided monster trucks make better Zords than mythical beasts. Like the tiger!


Right, so, action figures. They kicked ass. I've still got all the ones I didn't lose or bury in my sandbox and then forget where I'd left them. I got Ninja Turtles, Batman, even Star Trek! Oh, and Z-Bots, remember Z-Bots? They kicked millions of cubic feet of ass. And Crash Test Dummies. Remember those? Not since Crash Dummies have we seen an action figure who's primary ability is to fall apart. I mean, plenty of toys do that, for instance Barbie, if you have a good flathead screwdriver. But Crash Dummies did that with unprecedented ease, collapsing unto their component parts at the touch of a button!

No, what I came here to talk about was the commercials for action figures, right! Remember how god damn cool those commercials made all that shit look? I mean, I was fine just air-lifting my Batman toy around the room, making cape-swishing sounds with my lips, but then I saw those ads. It's all...

Deep Voice Guy [accompanied by dramatic music]: Batman prowls the dark streets at night, in his Batmobile!
Punkass Kids, in unison: Oh no! It's MR. FREEZE!
Punkass Kid: I'll get you Batman!
DVG: Batman makes quick work of Mr. Freeze! [Unseen person's hand presses a button on the Batmobile, and it launches a missile, which hits a wall made of plastic ice cubes, which Mr. Freeze is standing on. Mr. Freeze tumbles backwards into a tiny pool of water.]
Punkass Kids: You're frozen!
DVQ: Batman: The Batmobile. BatmanactionfiguresoldseparatelyMr.Freezeactionfiguresoldseparately. Somepartsmaybeeasytoswallowthistoyisnotsuitableforchildrenundertheageofsix.

From Kenner! Those ads were works of fucking ART. Some guy spent weeks locked in a board meeting with five other creative consultants and one pad of yellow paper, going, "Okay... darkened room... and, and the Batmobile drives in! And Two Face, nonono! Mr. Freeze is there and he's standing... on... PLASTIC ICE CUBES. Shut up, we'll get someone to make them for us. I'm a genius!" All I wanted to know was, Where did those cubes come from? WHERE did those cubes come from? They sure as hell didn't come with MY Batmobile, I don't remember driving my Batmobile through any plastic bricks either, making my presence known to all the evildoers of Gotham. I had to drive out from under my bed covers, just like everyone else.

Still, those were some good times. Good times.

Nicky

MY E-MAIL! Okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.
AIM: Jake Aimer