HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Olah, amigos. I know it's been a while since I rapped at you, but here goes.

I've just been watching Tarzan today. They showed a repeat of the first episode at five on Easy-view, or as I call it, Easy-bake, (and now that I think about it, you could easily get baked, you know, like with marijuana just by watching this show) and they showed the second episode at 9:00 today (Sunday).

So, anyway, let's get on with this review-esque issue of "Stuff!". Heh. Stuff.

First, the plot. The plot is somewhat senseless and vastly confusing. Basically, Tarzan, or "John" was on a trip with his family when he was a little kid and they crashed in the jungle. And his family was like, the owners of this really huge, fantabulous, purple hippopotumus. I mean, a giant company. So, like the the brother and sister or something of the family were left in New York and got in a big custody battle over someone's estate, which was worth 6 billion dollars. Anyway, on some sort of search mission, the brother from New York finds Tarzan in the jungle and they bring him back.

But Tarzan doesn't like that, because he likes the jungle and doesn't like being locked in a cage in his brother's office headquarters thing. So he escapes and wanders around the city until he meets the totally fabulous Jane.

When I first saw Jane, I knew she was a city girl, and a cop too. She has brown hair and she's pretty attractive, but her younger sister that lives with her is hot. But I knew Jane would be the one to meet Tarzan and stuff. Because that's her name, Jane. Her younger sister Nikki is hot though. So... that's a shame.

Anyway, Jane somehow sees Tarzan at some point in her cop duties and chases him on the rooftops in a scene that pissed me off because it looked so much like the Trinity chase scene at the beginning of The Matrix. Anyway, she catches up to him just in time to see him being tranqued and helicoptered away to that brother guy's place.

So.. he escapes again and finds her because she is pretty attractive, as I mentioned. Then he finds her sister. Because she is pretty hot. Actually, he doesn't. He meets Jane and introduces himself and explains his past. But they screwed everything up. Then a lot of really confusing and irritating and irrelevant stuff happens and the world pisses its pants in excitement.

1. Tarzan speaks perfect English, even after being lost in the jungle for 20 years.
2. Jane isn't English, like she should be, and neither are any of the other characters hanging around in New York.
3. It's very confusing. Nothing makes much sense.
4. Not enough sex. Not enough younger sister.
5. They should not have made me look at Tarzan's bare, well-developed torso as he pranced around kicking people's asses, even for the first ten minutes of the first episode. It gave me feelings that were frightening and confusing.

Also, the acting isn't that great. Tarzan doesn't act that well. They probably picked him based on his looks and gymnastics ability. And that brings me to the part of this show that kicks my ass.

The fight coreography blew me away. It's pretty much based on Capoeira-style fighting, which is a martial art from Brazil. Or if you need something that you're more familiar with, break-dancing. Or, you know Tekken? That guy, Eddy. But way cooler. He jumps all around the place, doing these cool rolls and throws, instead of just punching and kicking people. He has this whole monkey-style of fighting, lunging around on his hands and jumping up and kicking people while his hands are still on the ground. Fantastic. Mwah! God, it's cool. Too bad the rest of the show is fairly lameaholic.

What else... oh! Lucy Lawless is in the show. Remember Xena? Xena is back, in New Yorker form. Yeah, she plays the sister, that's the other one that wants money or whatever from Tarzan. It's funny though. She doesn't look anything at all like Xena. She looks pretty normal and not at all Amazonian. Man, I could hardly imagine this ordinary-looking business type be such a success with straight men and gay women.

Anyway, I've run out of stuff to say. In summation, don't watch the show unless you want to look at the cool fighting. I hope the length of this episode has helped make up for the infrequency of episodes from me this week.

Nicky

If you have ANYTHING to tell me, do it: okayeahwhatever@yahoo.com.