HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

Well, the summer is coming to a close, in fact, for many of you, it may have already done its closing thing. For most of this, probably all of us, this raises a certain sadness. When I think about school, I'm nervous and a little worried. But I'll tell you what I won't miss about the summer: the constant barrage of so-called summer blockbusters, none of which, it seems, have broken many blocks. And yet, it is only occasionally the terrible movies that piss me off. What bothers me are those little captions from reviewers they play during commercials for those movies. If you really watch a movie commercial, you'll seethese crazy quotes, some of them don't even sound like compliments, except the narrator reads them really enthusiastically: "...teeters between insanity and stupidity!" Stuff like that. And sometimes they take stuff out of context so you it's really deceptive. Like, a reviewer writes about a horror movie, like DEFORMED GUY WITH A CLEAVER 2: DEFORMED GUY ALWAYS CLEAVES TWICE, or something, "While watching this movie, I was overcome by horror; the idea that such a terrible movie could have been made sent shivers down my spine." Of course for the ad, they'd conveniently shorten it to, "I was overcome by horror...[it] sent shivers down my spine."

Okay, all that stuff sucks, but the ones I really hate are that Roger Ebert and his entourage. He's always got a new idiot reviewing movies with him. What is it now? Is it still Ebert and Roeper? Is it the Tom and Ebert show? Well, I don't know. But he's very annoying. Always with the giving of his thumbs, in an upward fashion. I'm sure he could find something better to do with his thumbs. I could name them, but, you know, you'll figure it out. Let's just say it involves his ass. But how does it work? He gives EVERY movie two thumbs up? How are we supposed to respect his opinion as a movie critic when he LOVES everything SO MUCH? He'll probably give Dicky Roberts: Former Child Star two thumbs up. How does his rating system work?

I don't know. I'm sure it makes sense. I guess it's like, two thumbs up is good, I guess. And if he really likes something, he gives it two thumbs way up. I think he should actually have to give his thumbs away. Like, he's all like, "I give 'Star Wars: Episode III: It Could be The Last' two thumbs up!" And they're all like, "Okay, great," AND THEY RIP HIS THUMBS OFF, with like , some sort of ripping, shredding machine, and blood is spurting everywhere, and he's all like, "OH GOD! MY THUMBS! MY BEAUTIFUL THUMBS! I'M RUINED!"

Well... maybe that wouldn't be so great. But we should hire some burly men to go to his house and hold him down while some menacing German engineers drill open his brain and implant an explosive device that will detonate when he lies about his opinion of a movie. He might still raise his thumbs to terrible movies, but at least you'll know he believes it. Anyway, I typed myself to sleep, a second ago. So... I'm going to brush my teeth, and maybe see if there are any hookers on eBay, and if I can get them sent by UPS ground shipping. Then I'm going to bed. Good bye.

Nicky