HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!

I just saw The Brotherhood of the Wolf. Hoowee. Oh, man. You may think these are enthusiastic sounds, but they're not. So their costumes were cool. That's really it. So, yeah. You know, on the box (I got it from the library), on the box it says, "An 18th century version of The Matrix". Well, that says something. It's kind of like The Matrix, except for the setting, the storyline, and the all French cast. Also, it sucks.

Really, though, it is the best martial arts movie ever to come out of France. Also, I am the coolest Jewish-Chinese 14-year-old with a rat tail in all of Westchester. Trophies for everyone! Some of the fight scenes are okay, but they're not that great. Every time a guy got kicked or disembowled or something, at least earlier on, they would do that thing where it suddenly turns to slow motion while he's falling, and then it speeds up when he lands. I think that's how they made the movie so long. At least 36% of the movie actually took place in slow motion. But it was worth it. Really leant significance to that part of the movie where the horse jumps over the log. Great moment in movie history. Also, I love the way that both the French guy and his Mohawk buddy are inexplicably martial arts masters. I love the way that all these evil folk have the good grace to attack one at at time and announce themselves by emitting a piercing ululation. Well, it was more like an angry yell, actually. So that wasn't so great. But I have to admit the sound editors did a great job: they got the stabbing sounds just right. Shplacht! Great! Sounds like German. No, really, they got that part just right.

And what about the story? I didn't get it for the first hour and a half. But they didn't really tell us much. All we know is there's this really big creature that looks kind of like a giant lion sprayed with silly string. At least, I think that's what they were shooting for. I was so underwhelmed by the story that about two hours in, when they were explaining a bunch of stuff to us, I was on the laptop, as I am now, and I looked up for several moments and I said, "Oh, exposition? I should probably watch this part." Then I looked down again. It was just that good.

Eventually, actually, pretty much immediately, I was reduced to noting things that made me laugh, like, "Ha ha! He's fat", or "Heh, His hands are small", or "Hee hee. He got stabbed." My dad was not so fortunate. He spent most of the 142 minutes saying things like, "What's going on!" "How come this movie makes no sense?" and "I think, later, I'll be asking myself why I wasted two and a half hours". I think he speaks for all of us. Then again, I saw the dubbed version. I hear it really lost a lot of the subtle beauty when they dubbed everyone with English accents. Now I am exhausted, partially from writing, but mostly from the realization that two and a half hours of my life have been stolen and they are never coming back. I'm going to fill my bathtub with ice and lie in it for several days. Good bye.

Nicky